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Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant. And others disagree.
Discuss both views and given your opinion.
Answer : Please read my page on IELTS writing tips before going through the mistakes.
Information requested in any job application
are is crucial and is used in some form for making employment decisions by the employer selecting suitable candidates. Apart from professional information related to the job, some employers also ask for personal information like such as marriage date marital status, birth date, hobbies etc. This act is criticised by critics and skeptics alike. In my opinion, this information is with good intention by modern employers to encourage collaboration among employees and thus can be considered as a relevant. Better say “While some people criticise such disclosures, I believe that personal information is both important and relevant because ………..” (Give 2 reasons that you’ll explain in body paragraph).
Body Paragraph 1: You discuss Opinion 1 that such information is NOT RELEVANT.
Misuse of personal information by employees is very hard to control, specially when most of the developing countries are yet to come up with rules to stop such misuse. This practice is especially prevalent in middle eastern countries and unstructured labour markets in India. It is a common practice in places like these to confiscate passport during job contract period and use the personal information provided to manipulate mentally or otherwise, to extract more out of the employee. To prevent such misuse countries in north America and the European Union have come up with strict laws to disclose some personal information voluntary and some like sexual orientation, marital status and religious beliefs illegal. (You know what, this paragraph is both out of context and fails to explain Opinion 1 – which is that asking for personal information is NOT relevant. You’ve written that it can be misused. Both are not same.) Despite these rampant misuses, shortage of skilled personnel and the open labour market has made it impractical for most employers to use personal information for evil deeds. Instead, modern employers, specially in knowledge-based industries like information technology, banking, and financial services use the personal data to encourage more interaction and team building. For example, in my workplace, which is a reputed software company, any birthday, marriage anniversary or any other significant personal occasion is celebrated by all team members with cake, snacks, and beer. Employers show their affection, goodwill, and dedication to workers by sponsoring such events daily regularly. This also helps employees know each other better personally which in turn increases inter-team interaction and which eventually leads to better team collaboration. (Yes. In this paragraph you’ve supported your opinion well.)
Despite rampant misuse of personal information in some countries and job sectors, it is largely detrimental for modern employers to practice such draconian ideas. Instead, the personal information lets the employer show appreciation for employees good work and encourage more social interaction among employees. So having personal information is very much relevant in the modern workplace to encourage better work culture and superior team building.
Let me highlight the structure you should have followed:
Introduction: Explain the topic and state you opinion (You did fine)
Body Paragraph 1: Reason 1 supporting Opinion 1 with one example (You failed here)
Body Paragraph 2: Reason 2 supporting Opinion 2 with one example (You succeeded here)
Conclusion: future + solution/impact
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