Here is a student’s answer corrected with several suggestions on how to improve essay writing.

Topic: Inventors are not as important to society as doctors. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

Answer:

While inventors are (Use Simple Present Tense) design and create new things to for the service of humanity, through their idea and our needed. D doctors are people who save other human’s life live and cure diseases when they cannot cure themselves. I believe that both inventors and doctors are both significant to our life important for our society.

Inventors have an enormous impact on our life (You’ve already expressed this idea in introduction. Do not repeat.). In the past, they have created many different things such as television, electricity that today we are still using it. (Let me rephrase “Inventions such as electricity, television and internet have tremendously transformed the way we live, socialise and work.”) These inventions have continue to change our life lives to become for better and make our work become easier, especially in communication. Futhermore, they have invented computers, internet, that we are on the way to complete these things (Complete what things. This is mere repetition of previous ideas.). In that case, many people said that inventors are important and have a huge effect to human’s life. (I’m sorry, but this is another repetition.)

On the other hand, doctors save lives (Again, we’ve read this before, have we not?). They have skill and knowledge that ordinary people do not have (Well, so have mechanics and engineers. Don’t they?). If we get illness that we cannot cure by ourselves, we will go to the hospital and the doctors will look after us (Keep Simple Present Tense). If the world do did not have doctors, many people would be die because of illness. (Can you give me some examples? Ebola virus in Africa, for instance or Swine Flu in Asia.)

Overall, inventors are as essential as doctors. Inventors invent thins to life while doctors look after human’s life. They both take important parts to society. So this is impossible to said that who is more important. (Well, you’ve just rephrased introduction. Please make a better intro.)

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