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IELTS Answer Correction: Radio vs Television

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Some people believe that radio is the best way to get news while others think that Television is better for this purpose. Discuss both views, give your opinion and relevant examples.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Receiving news from radio is favorable for some people while television is better for others. Preferring radio by some people is due to being more rapid source to the information. While others endorse watching news on television because it gives us more evidences (evidence, knowledge and information have no plural) on events. (Remember the principle of BREVITY. Try to convey your ideas in fewer words. Let me combine three sentences into one: While some people favour radio because it is a relatively faster source of news, other prefer television news for its depth and comprehensive coverage.
This essay agrees that television provides us with a strong proof for different information happening around the world. I didnt get this sentences meaning. The essay cant agree. The writer agrees. Do you want to say: I believe television news provides more clear and logical coverage of news than radio.
On one hand, the radio sets is considered as a quite fast way for important information. Because it is suitable to be used everywhere such as: vehicles, small shops and mobile phones this will give it an advantage. Next time when you want to give reason, prefer SINCE over BECAUSE. Start your sentence with SINCE. Since radio transmits information smoothly while we are travelling or using cellphone, it is indeed more advantageous than other media.
Moreover, it is affordable to a large proportion of citizens so this (Use only one PRONOUN to refer to a noun. You cant use IT and THIS to refer to radio.) it is a convenient source of supply of vital national and international news. 
for example, In Egypt in on the fifth of February 2011 when the ex-president Hosny Mubarak stepped aside, this event reached everywhere within minutes the and the citizens overcrowding overcrowded (Past Tense) the streets by for celebrations. 
This essay disagree with that opinion because there may be some major consequences based on that if not real. (Now what do you mean by this?)
On the other hand, watching news on television sets is more proof that it is correct. Nowadays, a lot of bias affect affects (Subject-verb agreement.) the reality of stories and there is a discrepancy in resources the source of reports which could affect the reliability of information. these factors could be minimized by strong evidences evidence (Explained above) such as images and videos from the heart of an event. For example, in on the eleventh of September 2011, no one had believed the catastrophe that happened in the international commerce buildings without seeing the live video on television set. this essay endorse endorses (Subject-Verb agreement) this view because the media should have strong robust (do not repeat words. Prefer using different words such as ROBUST in place of STRONG.) evidence based materials before its publication.
In conclusion, although radio is a speed speedy way to transfer information to people, television is more advantageous as it provide provides (Subject-Verb Disagreement) us with strong relevant proofs on the reliability and reality of news.
Analysis: You need to work on the following areas – 
1. Subject-Verb Agreement. Ive written an article on that. Click here.
2. Improve your vocabulary.
3. Writing better sentence structure.
4. Convey same ideas in fewer words.
BANDS = 6.0
Thank you, my friend, “Y” for sharing her essay. Wish you best!
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