IELTS Answer Correction: Radio vs Television – 2

Essay Correction IELTS PTE
A lot of your mistakes are similar to other students. Please go through essays, mistakes, and corrections of other students to improve your English.

Some people believe that radio is the best way to get news while others think that Television is better for this purpose. Discuss both views, give your opinion and relevant examples.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

No Paragraphs in you essay? That a blunder.

Some argue that the best method of getting information is listening to radio, (Comma needed) while other people believe watching television is better. Actual construction is “While X, Y” or “X, while Y”. A comma is needed here. “Some X, while others Y” (no need of “people”)

Although some people (repetition of words) can receive information from watching TVs. (Do not use abbreviations without first giving the full form: Television (T.V)) Moreover, this sentence is incomplete. Strucutre: “Although X, Y”, where X and Y are contradictory.
 
“Although M believes reading books is necessary, his sister thinks it is a wastage of time.”
However this essay I strongly believe (An essay can’t believe my friend. You can.) that it is not convenient to all people to attain one source (You can attain information, not a source of information) of information because not all people are accessible to TVs. (Oops! T.V is accessible to people, not the other way.)
 
Rephrase: “However, I strongly believe that it is not convenient for people to attain information from one source of information only since television is not accessible to every one.” 
On the one hand, not all people have the means to purchase a television in order to gain news. That means, most people do not afford to buy TV screen (You said this in previous sentence. Don’t repeat.) and install into their houses because that costs a lot of money.
Furthermore, they have to pay the electricity bill, licence bill and other expenses. One set of TV costs fifty times as much as the cost of a radio.
As a result of this, many people prefer listening radio to watching TV (compare an action with another action. Listen radio —— Watch television) in terms of where to gain source of to gather information.
For example a recent (Recent = 2013. You mentioned two TIMES.) survey conducted by the Department of information of Kenya in 2013 (Prefer active voice: Department of Information, Kenya, conducted a survey in 2013 that revealed ……) revealed that two third of the Kenyan population receive the news from the radio against one third from the TVs.
On the other hand, news from the radio is convenient because most people can afford to buy. They can get the news regardless of place and time.
They can listen to radio while driving, at work and even at bed (You have violated the rues of parallelism here. I’ll soon write an article and send you a link.).
For example, most people in developing countries do not have reliable electricity yet they need to get connected with the world and get updated. The only realistic method they can receive news is via tuning to radio.
Therefore this essay strongly upheld the belief that radio is the best method of getting informed.
Don’t say this. You’re repeating yourself. 
In conclusion, Although some people can get news from TV, I believe it is beyond the budget of many people therefore the best way they can receive news is through radio. (Conclusion is fine. You can write it better by using the elements of FUTURE and/or IMPACT.)
 
Sample conclusion: “Radio has served news to people in remote areas much more efficiently than other media (Impact). Though television may replace it as dominant medium of information, It still remains the most accessible source of news. (Future)
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