IELTS Answer Correction: Children as Good Members of Society – 2.

A Facebook friend’s answer correction.

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of the society. others, however, believe that the school is the place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Opinions have been divided on who bears the responsibility to train children as decent members of the society. In recent times(comma should be placed after times and not after especially) especially, people have come with different argumentative point (different = plural, use points) points that it is the sole responsibility of the parents to teach their children morals on how to be good members of the society. In my opinion as will be presented in this essay, (The examiner knows you will present your opinion in this essay. No need to write this. Redundancy.) I will clearly state why it remains the responsibility of parents to grow their children morally as to suit very well in the society. (Badly structured.)

Rephrase: In my opinion, it is the parent’s responsibility to shape their children as responsible members of the society because of A and B.

The parents, especially the mother, are the first set of persons a child gets used to know while growing up. It is now a common knowledge that teaching morals to a kid is a responsibility that should be fulfilled once a child is birthed born.

You could have combined the two sentences into a smaller single sentence: Since parents are the first person a child tries to emulate (copy), teaching morals is their duty. 

So, once a child is given birth to, the first people around are the parents and nurturing starts at the cradle. Same idea expressed in the first line. Please do not repeat your sentences in different words. You’ll be penalized in the exam.

No example given.

Secondly, leaving the inculcation of morals to the hands of the school can be too cumbersome (Conclusion) owing to the fact that schools do not give proper individual attention (intermediate) to kids in the school. This can be as a result of large population of kids (Fact) in the school.

Always move LOGICALLY from Fact to Intermediate to Conclusion.

Watch carefully how you could have written better by avoiding words like “hands of the…” or “owing to the fact that ….”: Since schools are crowded with a large number of students (Fact), teachers are often unable to give individual attention (Intermediate) to students. Consequently, these are not a perfect place to inculcate morals and ethics (Conclusion) among children.

Recently, a study was made conducted in Nigeria to evaluate which set of kids behaves better between those trained at school and those trained at home by parents. It was found out that kids trained at home behave better in a superior way (avoid repeating words – better) in the society than kids trained in school.

In summary, the fact still remains that for proper attention and inculcation of moral ethics, children should be trained by their parents and not left in the hands of the school.

Word Count = 272

Strength: You grammar is fine.

Weaknesses that will prevent you from scoring 7+ bands: 

1. Redundancy (you write a lot of useless words. Please avoid them.)

2. Repetition of same ideas in different words.

BANDS: 6.0

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