IELTS Essay Correction: High Living Standards and Social Values.

Some countries improve their economy to gain a high standard of living, but some social values can be lost during this transition. Give your opinion and examples.

IELTS: 40 minutes, 250 words at least.

PTE: 20 minutes, 200 to 300 words.

Please go through my essay HERE.

Student’s response:

Countries in recent times have gotten more become advanced and have seen the need in boosting their economic growth as a nation (Redundant. Moreover, Countries = Plural; Nation = Singular. Incorrect.). This advancement in economic growth, without a doubt (use ARTICLES correctly. “Without a doubt” can better be written as Undoubtedly.), improves the standard of living. On the other hand, certain social values are lost as a result of improvement in the economy during this period. This essay explains how the improvement on the economy impacts negatively on social values of the nation(This line is redundant. The ideas are expressed clearly without this sentence.)

Industrialization, as it is seen, boosts the economy of a nation. Some countries in order to boost their economy commences commence on radical industrialization by setting up the required infrastructure for the process. To set up the needed infrastructure, the government acquires people’s lands and build maybe manufacturing plants there. By so doing, the social values of the nation (The nation = singular; some countries = plural. You often confuse the usage of singular and plurals.) have been eroded since people cannot claim ownership of their property again. (Ownership of land is not a social value. The idea is not solid.)

Furthermore, there is always lack of confidence in the governmental process by the people. For example, during the recent global oil price slump, some oil producing nations in order to boost its economy, decreased on government spending and this led to the masses getting involved in crimes all in the need for survival.

Furthermore, there is always a lack of confidence in the governmental process by the people. (Passive voice does not convey ideas as clearly as active voice.)

Furthermore, people have little confidence in the governmental process.

For example, during the recent global oil price slump, some oil producing nations in order to boost its their (nations = plural, its = singular. Wrong pronoun usage.) economy, decreased on government spending and this led to the masses getting involved in crimes all in the need for survival. To conclude, it can be seen that the transition period of economic improvement has its own impact on social values. (What does this have to do with social values? You lost context.)

To conclude, it can be seen that the transition period of economic improvement has its own impact on social values.

You have made several grammar mistakes such as passive voice, singular-plural, pronoun usage. However, the greatest blunder is that you LOST CONTEXT. 

Please feel free to ask any questions in the comments section.

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