IELTS (PTE) Essay Correction: Refugees

Developed nation should take more refugees from poorer countries Do you agree or disagree?

IELTS: 40 minutes, 250 words at least.

PTE: 20 minutes, 200 to 300 words.

It is argued that wealthy countries should accept more refugees from developing states. This essay agree agrees (Subject-Verb Agreement: Essay = Singular; use “agrees”) with this statement because they have a moral obligation to do so and they can afford to help those in need.

Read my article on SUBJECT-VERB agreement HERE.

Please Note: Some teachers/ books may suggest writing “this essay agrees”. I do not. Directly day “I agree.” 

Moreover, you could have used a “Not only X, but also Y” construction. The sentence would look like: “I agree with this view because not only can they afford helping those in need, but also they have a moral obligation.”

Poorer countries are undeveloped(A comma is always recommended before an “”AND”. That’s an OXFORD comma. For more read my article HERE.) and the citizen citizens of those countries are under below the poverty line (Article usage.).

There are various cause causes to be the poor country like geographical situation, natural disasters, civil war and so on. As a result, a citizen of that country starts to leave the native country (Article usage problem). Developed state  states have (state – has; states – have) a responsibility to help such poorer countries.

You could have written this better: “A country can be poor due to several reasons ranging from geographical location and natural disasters to civil war and colonial lineage. Consequently, the citizens of that country are forced to migrate in order to escape poverty and hunger.”

They can settle the refugee camp on their land and provide basic needs to the refugees in relation of humanitarian as a humanitarian gesture. Wealthy nation plays nations play (you’ve used plural above: Developed states, they. Can’t switch to singular here.) a vital role to maintain peace and prosperity throughout the world. For example, (need a comma here) a recent research shows that about 40 percent population of Syria lives in different neighbors neighbouring countries.

Wealthy nations can afford to take refugees. They also have an ability and capacity to provide services to the refugees. If poor nations cannot handle the situation of issues (Unclear; what do you mean by “Situation of issues”?) appeared in countries, developed countries should help to minimize the problems. For instance: a recent study shows that the developed nations like the United States, United Kingdom has have allocated about 20 percent budget for the poorer countries to help them.

In conclusion, As having a relation (what relation?) developed nation should take more refugee refugees from the poorer nation nations. They have a moral obligation to save the life and provide basic needs to every humanitarian human. Similarly, wealthy state states have the capacity to help the poor countries so they have to co-operate with poorer nation to solve the problem.

A lot of issues need to be addressed in your answer. You have not used subject-verb, singular-plurals, articles correctly. Please follow the relevant links to improve your writing.

I’ll be coming up with a post on ARTICLES soon. Stay tuned.

Please feel free to ask any questions in the comments section.

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4 Comments

  1. Godswill

    Countries that are engaged in political turmoil or instability are bound to have refugees. While many people agree that wealthier countries should tighten up their immigration policies against refugees, others believe that there should be some level of understanding between rich countries and poor countries. In my opinion, developed nations should accommodate refugees because it helps to increase survival and cooperation among nations involved.
    History has it that civil war is the major reason people move from one country to another in order to survive. If these refugees are left to their fate, they will die while trying to survive. In order not to put the human race in danger of extinction, developed countries wade in and support refugees by offering them shelter. During the last US presidential elections, one of the leading contenders said that once he is elected into office, he will make sure that refugees are given succor within United States of America.
    Furthermore, in as much as developed countries view accommodation of refugees as a burden, some smarter, developed countries see as a means of tapping into the natural resources of the poorer countries. To this end, treaties and agreements are made between the countries.
    To summarize, it is undoubtedly clear that it is advantageous for developed countries to accommodate refugees.

    Like

  2. Ali Moustafa

    The discussion on refugees intake by the developed nations is a debatable one and each side has its logical argument, I believe that settling asylum seekers has more positive results than negative results for developed countries.
    On the one hand, critics may point out that asylum seekers intake has negative consequences for the communities of their hosting countries. There are many terrorists who enter these countries as refugees and distract the stability in it by the terror attacks. According to New York Times magazine, people who feel safe in Germany after the Syrian refugees’ crisis exploded declined by around 20%.
    On the other hand, in spite of these arguments, one of the most significant impacts that these refugees will add to their hosting nations will be the economic improvement. For example, a report from the United Nations stated that 1 of each 3 Syrian refugees in Australia established his own business and made significant contributions to the Australian economy.
    To conclude, in my opinion, the developed countries have duties towards these asylum seekers and they have to afford them safe shelters as they are humans and they are fleeing prosecutions and seeking better lives for them and their families. Refugees’ intake has more advantages than disadvantages and makes the societies more prosperous.

    Liked by 1 person

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