IELTS Essay Correction: Longer Work Hours and More Stress.

Nowadays many people work a long time and get more stressful jobs than ever before. What causes this? How can employers make the worker’s lives easier?

Let me highlight the problems before the reader begins learning from mistakes this student made. There is ONE major problem – Structure of the essay.

Remember, the introduction is meant to INTRODUCE the essay. That is, you are supposed to introduce the points that you’ll explain in the essay. You can’t give now points in the body paragraphs. The student has written a good introduction. However, she commits the sin of NOT explaining the points in body paragraphs. Rather she adds new points. Don’t do that.

Essay Submission 1:

In today’s world, there is fierce competition in every field and to cope with this problem (Which problem?), many individuals work hard for long hours as well as do stressful tasks. The origin of this stress seems to stem from factors such as job insecurity, lack of career opportunities and low level of pay, while several remedies appear to be open to us. (Good introduction. However, you need to keep things parallel. INSECURITY, LACK and LOW LEVEL are parallel since they’re all problems. Job SECURITY is not a problem.)

There may be multifarious causes of stress such as excessively high workload with unrealistic targets, bullying or harassment by management, lack of job security and career opportunities. (Well, in body paragraphs you’re supposed to EXPLAIN the factors that you mentioned in the introduction. Can’t mention new factors here. Please follow the following structure for body paragraphs:

  1. job insecurity in body para 1 with example.
  2. lack of career opportunities in body para 2 with example
  3. Explain remedies.

Moreover, (Need a COMMA after words like moreover, however, and nevertheless.) poor working relationships and lack of interpersonal skills lead to a sense of isolation. Last but not the least, on account of unemployment (How can unemployed people work for long hours and feel stressed at a job? Never seen that. :)), there may be times when people are forced to do that the jobs which does do (jobs = plural; use ‘DO’) not match their skills and qualification. To illustrate, In India many post graduates works as peon or gatekeeper. (This example does not explain the topic – long working hours and stress at job.)

 

I guess you should rewrite the essay and submit it again. Please feel free to ask questions in the comments section.

Essay Submission 2:

In today’s world, there is fierce competition in every field and to win this rat race, many individuals work hard for long hours as well as do stressful tasks.The origin of this stress seems to stem from factors such as job insecurity, lack of career opportunities and low level of pay, while several remedies appear to be open to us. (Perfect introduction. Good job!)

The main factor that can be attributed to stress is job insecurity meaning that inspite of having a job at present time, individuals are worried about work in the future (Articles mistakes “a, an, the”). Consequently, to secure the jobs, people are working overtime as well as doing hard work. To illustrate, in a private bank, employees not only work for extra hours but also try to complete their unrealistic targets to secure jobs. Moreover, working relationships as well as the lack of interpersonal skills leads lead to a sense of isolation which may another reason for stress at work.

To eradicate the menance menace of stress, the right man at the right place can be the most effective solution which not only will increase productivity but also decrease depression. Along with this, targets set by employees should be challenging but realistic as well. If any employee has personal problems that is such as relationship breakups or an illness in the family, at that time, the approach of an employer should be sympathetic. To exemplify, management may provide financial help or leaves according to circumstances. Well, this is not an example. Let me help you construct an example: For instance, Forbes magazine recently published an article that most productive companies such as Google and Tesla have a culture of helping employees financially in the hour of need. The article proves that such attitude of these companies promotes unbridled loyalty among employees and reduces stress thereby increasing productivity.

Although individuals are more ambitious about their career, yet family and health cannot be neglected. meaning that (Start a new sentence instead of using words like “meaning that”) There must be a balance between personal and professional life. Instead of working overtime productivity can be increased by providing good working conditions, incentives, promotions, holiday packages, bonus and many others. (How does this relate to the essay? No mention of stressful jobs, long work time or remedies. Moreover, this is by no means a conclusion. I’ll upload an article detailing the answer to this question tonight or tomorrow morning. Stay tuned!)

Problem: Articles and bad conclusion. Please go through any of my essays and read how conclusion is structured. Yes, conclusion has a STRUCTURE. Try it!

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