IELTS Essay Correction: Freedom of Expression to Artists.

Creative artists should always be given freedom to express their own ideas (in words, pictures, music, films) in whichever way they wish. There should be no governmental restrictions on what they do. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Some people believe that imaginative creatorscreative people should be allowed to exploreexpress their creativity in whatever they have desire in certain mediumwhichever form they wish. There should not be any obstacles from the government laws. This essay partly agrees with the statement. In On one hand, artists share their ideas and values towards public with the public, but in on the other hand, it may appear revolution or conflict. revolutionary and in conflict with tradition.

Your ideas in the introduction are fine. However, the expression is weak. Note the words I have added.

Imaginative masters share their ideas, emotions, and feeling in words, pictures and other mediums which can directly affect the public mind. PublicThe public can know the innovative ideas which are beneficial for all. While considering new ideas, other artists can modify and discover newmodern (used NEW twice in the same sentence. Avoid that.) things. For instance, firstly, Leonardo Da VinchiVinci thought to fly as a bird which was not possible but his thought to fly as a bird which was not possible but his thought has been appreciated by the wrightWright brothers andwho created the airplane. Some spelling mistakes and missed a few articles.

However, excessive freedom to artists can also create problems in society. They may touch in a sensitive part which may not digest to societyTheir creativity may unintendedly hurt sentiments of a religious group or the whole society. Every religion followfollowstheirits (every = singular; its) own God.

If some artists dominate the other religions and cultures that might be seed of war against religions. For example, in 19th century many people in India waswere killed because of war between Hindu and Muslim society. On that period both followers of their religion were dominating the each other religions. (Can’t see the role of creative people in fomenting violence in these three sentences. LOST CONTEXT. Stick to the question.)

In conclusion, although freedom should be provided to creative masters to share their ideas and invention,but(Correct construction is “Although X, Y”. There’s no “but”.) they should also be restricted on touching any sensitive areas like of religions and cultures of different society. So that in my opinion, somehow freedom should be given to artists.

Okay. A few issues. Your ideas are good, but expression is not. Improve your expressive power. You suffer from certain grammatical issues as highlighted in the correction. Unfortunately, you lost context as well. That’s the CARDINAL sin.
Good luck!

 

Please feel free to ask any questions in the comments section.

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3 Comments

  1. Godswill

    Once upon a time, government had no influence in the freedom of expression of artists. Artists were free to express their ideas in whatever manner they wanted without fear of prosecution by the government. Nowadays, this freedom is eroded and government sees it as an affront or as a tool with which dissidents of the government uses to attack government. Most people believe that Artists’ right to free expression should be restricted. On the contrary, i am of the opinion that their rights should never be intercepted.
    While many advocates only think freedom of expression as a witch-hunt tool, i see it as a tool that fosters the democracy of a country. Imagine a country without opposition? Imagine a country where the veritable voice of artists is lost? Such a country will never grow. One thing artists do is to present the true atmosphere of events with any fear or bias. Such voice can never be lost.
    Also, restricting the freedom of expression of artists means stopping influx of new ideas, restricting entertainment and withholding the education the society derives from their works. Many people go into deep thoughts through artistic works and this brings out new ideas. In developed countries, artists are encouraged and in some cases, they are funded by the government to bring up new ideas that will transform the society. Through their works, people are enlightened about events.
    In conclusion, while there are strong moves by many people to stop the freedom of expression, i believe at the long run, it will negatively impact on the society.

    Liked by 1 person

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