IELTS (PTE) Essay Correction: Refugees – 2

Checking a student’s answer.

Developed nation should take more refugees from poorer countries Do you agree or disagree?

IELTS: 40 minutes, 250 words at least.

PTE: 20 minutes, 200 to 300 words.

Your essay is well written with a few mistakes. However, you have made a fundamental error of MISREADING the question. The question is on YOUR opinion and you have discussed both views. You should have explained the positives and not negatives since that is your opinion.

The discussion on refugees refugees’ intake by the developed nations is a debatable one and each side has its logical argument. I believe that settling asylum seekers has more positive results than negative results for developed countries.

On the one hand, critics may point out that asylum seekers seekers’ intake has negative adverse (avoid word repetition) consequences for the communities of their hosting countries. There are many terrorists who enter these countries as refugees and distract disturb their stability in it by the conducting terror attacks. According to the New York Times magazine, people who feel safe in Germany after the Syrian refugees’ crisis exploded declined by around 20%. (This example is not explaining the issue.) Let me rephrase: According to the New York Times magazine, since the heavy influx of the Syrian refugees in Germany, the number of terror attacks have increased and the percentage of Germans who feel unsafe in their own country has increased by 20 percent.

On the other hand, (Use any one of these constructions: On the other hand OR inspite of …) in spite of these arguments, one of the most significant impacts that these refugees will add to their hosting nations will be the economic improvement. For example, a report from the United Nations stated that 1 of each 3 one out of three Syrian refugees in Australia established his own business and made significant contributions to the Australian economy both in terms of tax dollars and job creation.

To conclude, in my opinion, the developed countries have duties towards these asylum seekers and they have to afford them safe shelters as they are humans and they are fleeing prosecutions persecution (There’s a huge difference between PERSECUTION, harassing someone on the basis of religion or origin, and PROSECUTION, which is a lawful exercise.) and seeking better lives for them and their families. Refugees’ intake has more advantages than disadvantages and makes the societies more prosperous.

A good attempt.

Please feel free to ask any questions in the comments section.

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