Checking a student’s answer. Here is my version of the essay with structure and complete answer.
The violence portrayed on T.V and in the movies leads to an increase in crime in our society. People who watch violent movies are more likely to become criminals. Do you agree or disagree?
Word limit: 200-300
Time: 20 min
You have used the word CRIMINAL numerous times. Please do not repeat words. Redundancy will cost you dearly. You could have used words like unlawful, illegal, illicit, wrong.
has been is (Present Perfect Continuous tense is not appropriate here. Please discuss in the comments section if you wish to discuss more on this.) argued that there has been an increasement (There’s no word called increasement) a significant increase of criminal activities due to the influence of contents of TV and movies. (Try to enrich certain words with intensifiers such as SIGNIFICANT)
In my opinion, people are more likely to engage in criminal activities
due to watching of by watching violent movies because it (wrong pronoun. It = singular, movies = plural) they not only show how to increase financial strong strength illegally, but also it gives give different ideas and motivation to perform criminal tasks. (Structure: It not only X …. , but also Y. It works for both X and Y. No need to repeat.)
Likewise in the movies, most of the people try to join the criminal (Avoid repetition of the same word) activities in order to
strengethen strengthen their financial capacity. The obvious reason that people want to strengthen their financial economic (don’t repeat financial again) capacity is they want to earn money and enjoy rest of their life in luxury rather than struggling hard.
For instance, the Forbes magazine shows that 50% of the people are copied the same what they
watched watch (simple present tense) in movies. So people are attracted to join a (learn proper article usage) criminal group after watching movies.
gives give different ideas and motivation to the people to perform the criminal tasks. Through the movies, people are able to find out the different various (don’t repeat different) types of drugs and what is the procedure of selling and who is the customer (various types of drugs, selling methods and finding customers). Almost, it (it = singular, movies = plural. Wrong pronoun) they provide the detailed information which is required to perform the task. So it is easy for the people to become a criminal who constantly watch such after watching a violent movie.
an outset conclusion, through the movies people got get (Simple Present Tense) an idea to strengthen their financial capacity and got get a motivation as well as inspiration, people is likely to be criminal.
Please go through the mistakes and feel free to discuss them in the comments box below.