Checking a student’s answer.
Government these days offer funds and assistant to those who are unemployed to start a career. What are the reasons? Is it a positive or negative development?
IELTS: 40 minutes, 250 words at least.
PTE: 20 minutes, 200 to 300 words.
Unemployment has become a major concern these days. Government
provide provides funds and assistants to these people (Which people? You never mention unemployed people before) the unemployed to build up a career. I believe there are some reasons and it is a positive development.
One of the significant reasons why government offers
unemployers to funds and assistants assistance to the unemployed to start a career is because reduce the number of unemployed people in the society (of course it is to reduce unemployment. However, you could have expressed better: …… start a career so that more people are engaged in economically productive activities and are not a burden on society.). To explain, through the financial support and help from others help such people to start a career (this line is redundant. that is, meaningless, because you have already expressed this idea in the first line). These offers attract the unemployed people. (Sure they do. No need to write this.)
Another reason why government support unemployed people through
finance and assistants financial assistance to start a career is because of reduce problem which related to unemployment (Haven’t you said that before?). For example, people who are do not have any job they face poverty. To be specific, in developing countries like India, there are many slum areas are where people are living without any jobs job (any = singular; job = singular) and also they are facing big issues like not enough food or basic facilities because of unemployment. So the government can help such people through giving money and assistants for their future. This perhaps why government provide support to unemployed people start a career. (This is vague and entirely a repetition of the previous paragraph in different words.)
As an outcome of the above-mentioned reason, I believe that providing funds and
assistants assistance to unemployed people to start a career is certainly a positive development is because it increases the opportunity to get a job. In detail the When people start their own business with the help of the government there must be a vacancy for others also it creates more jobs. So it reduces the unemployed people (redundant. You’ve written this several times earlier). Therefore it can be considered as a positive development.(Another repetition and, hence, redundancy.) Another reason for me to believe that government support unemployed people by giving money and helpers to start career use a positive development is because (Great redundancy. You could have replaced this with just one word.) Moreover, it improves the economic strength of the country. For instance, most of the under developed countries have not much improvement because of unemployment. To be clear, a country like Sudan their government start starts a new project for people to start begin (do not repeat words such as start again. Show your vocabulary.) a business with the help of government to improve their economic growth of the country. It becomes success their there and according to world economic statistics, Sudan is becoming developing recently. Therefore I firmly believe that financial and assistants assistance for unemployed people for start starting a career is advantageous. To conclude, since government support unemployed people to develop a career I could strongly restate that this has a positive development. (If a conclusion is merely a restatement of introduction, it is not a conclusion. Right? Please go through any of my essays and learn how to write a better conclusion.)
A lot of redundancy in this essay. Please cut it and your essay will comfortably shrink to about 250 words. You need to learn a lot.
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