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IELTS Essay Correction: Material Possessions vs Traditional Values.

Materialism IELTS PTE.png

A person’s worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honor, kindness, and trust, no longer seem important.

IELTS: 40 minutes, 250 words at least.

PTE: 20 minutes, 200 to 300 words at least.

Answer:

IELTS has asked about the conflict between wealth and tradition in another essay. Please go through it as well – High Living Standards and Social Values.

Apparently, being kind, trustworthy, and respectful is irrelevant these days. People often recognize an individual’s significance based on life’s a person’s status capability to own everything. In my opinion, I do not agree that this is true(This contradicts your first sentence. It seems as if the first sentence is your opinion.)

It is undeniable that some human beings are fortunate to have a bountiful living condition. However, despite their luxuriant life, not all of them are valued because of this. For instance, Ming Go, a son of a well-known Filipino billionaire, was appointed by President Duterte in the year 2016 to be the new chairman of the Central bank of the Philippines. He obtain obtained (the event occurred in 2016, so prefer SIMPLE PAST) the position due to his honesty on his job, rather than his family background. (Link the values of honor, kindness, and trust to maintain context.)

In addition to that, the popularity of individuals is nonsensical if they possess a bad attitude. One good example of this are (this aux verb is for ONE example) is those TV personalities who are unkind and disrespect their fans behind the camera. They often lost lose (A general fact. Use Simple Present.) their career and are ignored in the end even though they have the huge amount of money and clad in expensive clothes and make ups.

Furthermore, there are several news (News is an uncountable SINGULAR noun) is news that mediocre people are awarded on account of their good values. To illustrate, a Cambodian guy helped an old woman crossed a highway. Apart from that, those people who returned (Who returned? From where? No context) back lost items. All of them are rewarded as bona fide citizens not only in their country but also globally. (You’ve not explained, How old fashioned values are important?”)

In conclusion, it is clear that wealthiness wealth and owning luxurious items are not the basis of a person’s worthiness. These two are nonsense if they are not performed in collaboration with good conduct. (Conclusion is not powerful enough. It should include the elements of FUTURE and IMPACT and should be different from the introduction. Retry writing after going through one of my essays under writing task 2, share it in the comments box below, and I can help you improve.)

Please feel free to ask any questions in the comments box below.

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3 responses

  1. Hi there,
    First of all, thank you for correcting my essay.I’ll be sending you more essays and I hope you can help me improve.Anyway, introductions and conclusions are definitely challenging for me. I need to proper structure for them. 😦

    Like

    • Try writing essays after going thrpugh any one of my essay articles under writing task 1 and 2. Going through my explanation on structure will help you write better. Write your answer in the comments box below that essay. Good Luck!

      Like

  2. Pingback: IELTS August 2017 Task 2: Money Can Bring Happiness. | ELTEC English

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