Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Health Education and Preventative Measures

health and preventive care IELTS PTE.jpg

“Prevention is better than cure.” Out of a country’s health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spending on health education and preventative measures.

The greatest part of the (Which government? the means you are referring to a specific government) government’s budget intended to for the health care system has been spent on patient’s treatment. Specialists have been claimed that the government better than apply rather than wasting money in treatments, a government should invest in preventative measures and educational programs. From my point of view, I think prevention is the best step to be taken by countries (Passive Voice) if they are to achieve not just a better quality of life to for their citizens but also a viable solution to spend their budgets more effectively.

(Try writing active voice: I think if countries want to improve the quality of life of their citizens and spend budgets more efficiently, they should focus on prevention of diseases.)

To begin with, investing in preventative measures can save money. The Diabetes American Association has already proved that if patients were are screened by analyzing (Passive Voice) their glucose level, when in consultant by their GPs, before they have properly developed diabetes, this action might decrease by a half the cost of the treatment of these patients.

You could have written more clearly: The Diabetes American Association has stated that the cost of diabetes treatment can be reduced drastically if people regularly monitor their blood glucose level in consultation with a general practitioner before the occurrence of the disease. 

Furthermore, these patients who were diagnosed (with what? Patients in your previous sentence never caught diabetes.) later are likely to suffer from other diseases (Kidney failure is not a disease. It’s the result of the disease) such as kidney failure which is a result of the harmful levels of glucose in their bodies.

(Furthermore, diabetes, resulting from high blood glucose, severely impacts other organs such as kidneys.)

England, for instance, has been spending more than 2 billion pounds per year on the dialysis of these patients. This money might be saved if they were diagnosed in advance with a simple routine exam.

Another life-threatening issue which has been increasing in at an alarming rate around the world is the obesity. One of the best solution solutions to battle this pressing problem is through education. Educational programs funded by the government (Passive Voice) seems a viable way. Government funded educational programs … (Active Voice)

(This is long and unorganized. To explain you I have divided this into TWO parts – A and B.) (A) If people had access to lectures delivered by dieticians dietitians in their community centers or by watching (had access and by watching are not parallel. Read my article on parallelism.) special adverting campaigns in which are demonstrated the importance of a balanced diet, its real benefits and pointed out some harmful figures about the consumption of junk food, (B) this might raise people awareness and may change their behaviour regarding their diet.

(A) If people had access to quality dietitians at local community centers or had watched advertising campaigns demonstrating benefits of a balanced diet and harmful effects of junk food, …

Unfortunately, today the main reason of for the rising levels of obesity is the lack of people’s knowledge about the detrimental effect of fast food and sedentary habits in their lives.

To conclude, based on the aforementioned explanations, the governments by supporting preventative measures and educational programs can tackle effectively the majority of the health correlated issues of our modern society before they become a health problem to be treated. This preventative anticipatory approach leads to better quality of life to citizens. Moreover, it can save a huge amount of money that could be investing by the government in other sectors such as public transport and security.

401 words. Too long. You write well, however, your sentence structure is unnecessarily complex and long. You write PASSIVE voice a lot. Try writing active voice. Passive is penalized in most English language exams.

Please ask any doubts in the comments box below.

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