Checking a student’s answer.
Some people think that governments should give financial support to creative artists such as painters and musicians. Others believe that creative artists should be funded by alternative sources.
IELTS: 40 minutes, 250 words at least.
Another IELTS essay on creative artists: Creative Artists and Freedom of Expression.
People believe that the government should provide financial support for innovative people like artists and musicians. In my opinion, this idea is completely flawed because money needs to be offered for other important things.
In my opinion, this idea is flawed because not only the creative people do not need government support but also money needs to be invested in other more important areas. (MENTION points in the introduction that you’ll EXPLAIN in the body paragraphs.)
In my opinion (Repetition. You have used this above), it is pointless to give money to creative people. Creativity is mostly an inherited characteristic , so. So (Start a new sentence) innovative people would probably be recognized without financial help. Take, the famous and prestigious rapper Eminem, for example. Eminem He was brought up in extreme poverty; so Rap was the only opportunity for him to make ends meet (please avoid using CLICHES in your answer. This makes the text unoriginal and unsophisticated. Example: He was armed to the teeth.). He devoted all his spare time to learning the dictionary every day in order to get words and expressions for his songs. Without help from his local community or government, he became a talented person as all of us know. In short, creative people can acquire considerable knowledge by themselves thus support from the government is unnecessary. (You have EXPLAINED a great idea very well in this paragraph. However, you should have MENTIONED that in the introduction.)
Instead, the government should invest on other essential things such as education, health care, and the environment instead of focusing on artists and musicians. Money should be provided for the vast majority of the population and people who are in need. If the government
kept supporting (Tenses. Use Simple Present.) supports financially for creative people, there would will be a risk of insufficient funding for other aspects of society. Hence, helping the society would be a more sensible investment in comparison with offering financial support for creative people.
In conclusion, I believe that the government should put more resources into improving life quality overall, not just for innovative people.
In conclusion, the government needs to invest money wisely in building institutions that make individuals capable of earning a sustainable livelihood rather than squandering it on creative people who already have both ability and means to support themselves.
A well-written essay. Good job. You need to work on the introduction and conclusion.