Correcting a student’s essay
In a number of countries, some people think it is necessary to spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities. Others believe the money should be spent on improving existing public transport.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
40 minutes, 250 words at least.
To address questions on transportation, please go through my NOTES on this topic.
There is a difference
in of opinion in regards to improving the means and modes of transportation between two cities. Some people stress on the necessity of building latest supersonic railway lines, whereas others insist on improving the current transport system. Both points of view will be considered here. (Don’t write this. The examiner assumes you will write this since the essay demands it.)
The introduction of advanced forms of transport means transforming the entire movement
in the city ( the essay is between two cities). Supersonic trains are meant to speed up the human momentum resulting in more efficiency. This increased efficiency translates into more time that can be spent with family members which is proven to be beneficial for mental health. Next, they cut down pollution by consuming less fuel than individual cars (The essay asks for comparison with the public transport.) would use. Lost context at a few places in this paragraph.
On the other hand, improving current public transport is more economical. The huge cost needed for the construction of speedy trains and its many stations can be used (better utilized) in other sectors such as public health, building parks, and other facilities
to for the inhabitants. In addition, improving the existing forms of transport helps retain the identity, history, and culture of the city. Tram service in Kolkata, India, for example, has stood out and continues to represent the Indian history in the early 1900s to the rest of the world.
To sum up, although some people argue to improve existing transportation, I would agree that construction of faster and newer modes of
transport conveyance (try not to repeat words. Repetition is redundancy and is penalized in the IELTS exam.) is more important. However, priority must be given to maintain the culture and heritage of the cities where they are built. (Well, what is your opinion? New railways or existing transport or both? It is not clear.)
Feedback: Your writing style is good and, with some practice, you can score 7.5 or 8 bands. Your essay structure is fine. However, you need to work on the introduction and conclusion of the essay. There are ways to improve them. BANDS = 6.5 to 7.0
Please feel free to ask any questions in the comments section.