IELTS PTE Essay Correction: Violence in video games and television.

Checking a student’s answer.

violence on television and games IELTS PTE

Many parents are unhappy with the amount of violence in video games, television programs, and other leisure activities. How harmful could this be to children? What could be done to solve this problem?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Please go through my answer HERE.

The escalating violence in video games, television shows, and other entertainment activities is alarming as it is deteriorating our children‘s mental health and harming our communities by increasing the crime rates. This essay is going to discuss the drawbacks of this phenomenon and the ways of solving it(Yes, this is obvious. Need not write this. Make your introduction stronger. Just go through my introduction in various essays under Writing Task 2.)

First, the continuous watching of violence increased increases (tense mistake) the number of crimes committed in our societies as our children try to imitate this these (pronoun mistake) violent scenes in the real lives which led lead (tense mistake) to crises. Remember: You should never use two tenses to convey an idea. You’ve used both present tense and past tense.

For example, in Chicago, twenty people were found dead in a semi-truck parking in one of Walmart’s stores where a group of youngsters was were mimicking a human trafficking scene in one of the video games.

Another effect of the increased violence content in the daily entertainment is that it damages the mental health of our kids and affect affects their cognition badly. For instance, a research done by Sydney University showed that the kids who are subjected to this these violent scenes in their pre-adolescent period, their neuronal neural activities and cognition memory (I read this in Psychology 101 years ago that Cognition is the ability to learn things and this includes memory.) efficiency decreased by 40 percent.

In conclusion, the impact of the extreme violence in our games and shows is disastrous on our young generations and we have to enforce the governments to put the government has to enforce strict regulations on the producers of such entertainment games and television programs to eliminate any violent content in their productions and to impose sanctions on those who impeach violate the law. (The law is never impeached. It is violated. A president is impeached. You know you may see impeachment in the United States.)

233 words. Short of 250. Write one more sentence. 

You’ve written well. However, there are some pronoun and tenses mistakes. You can easily jump to the 7+ bands club. Just work in the sphere of grammar. Your essay structure is good.

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