IELTS Essay Correction: Computers Replacing People.

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As the world becomes technologically advanced, computers are replacing people at more and more jobs. What are some job positions that may be lost because of computers? What are some problems that may result from this situation? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

40 minutes, 250 words at least

ANSWER:

Please go through another student’s essay on this topic.

No doubt Undoubtedly, there has been development in technology for the past few years which has caused individuals to be increasingly substituted by computer (Passive Voice. Prefer Active) based systems in their occupation. (Please restructure the sentence in a ACTIVE voice and write in the comments box below.)

Several job positions have been given away due to this recent development. The following essay will state these positions lost and the pitfall faced from this situation with specific reasons and important instances. Instead of writing this (the following essay), MENTION the reasons supporting your opinion. Please go through THIS ESSAY’s introduction to learn how to structure an intro.

 

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To begin with, jobs in the production sector that mostly comprises of facility engineering, maintenance engineering, and process engineering have been lost due to the advent of computers. Computer systems have been programmed by software specialists to do the major work and process in the job sector. For example, while producing the good ”Bournvita” for consumers, several stages is are being done by computers (Passive voice again.). this stage starts most times from the starting stage, that is the unused raw material to the packaging stage. …. computers have replaced human workers in several stages ranging from ABC to XYZ.

As an instance, I witnessed the use of robots in coupling and arrangement of automobile parts. Instead of writing two incomplete examples, prefer one complete example. Explain one in detail. The Bournvita example is just fine.

Problems encountered as a consequence of this recent development include massive unemployment as well as abject negligence in the use of skilled manpower. Firstly, occupational positions are increasingly lost causing a great increase (word repetitions are prohibited: increase) of individuals without jobs. Due to the efficiency of computers in achieving results and the tendency to save cost on of manpower, companies have resolved to use computerized systems. For example, eighty percent of youths in Nigeria are without jobs for this reason. In addition, skilled manpower has been left unnoticed. For instance, major technologically based companies in china China make use of programmed software in computers to manufacture phones and other electrical gadgets that has have (Subject: companies = plural. Use HAVE) made china it a country to be reckoned with. Unfortunately, individuals very knowledgeable and trained in craft are not given the opportunity to work. In most cases, these people do minor things for their fellow citizens which is not profitable compared to working for big organizations. (Usage of which: Which is a pronoun that modifies the noun it is linked to. In your sentence, it refers to THINGS but it is linked to CITIZENS. Link it to the word it modifies) … minor things, which are less profitable, for their fellow citizens.

In conclusion, the recent technology boom and advancement has caused drastic changes in the lives of persons employed. Challenges faced require urgent attention, and problems encountered need possible remedies. (Conclusion is Okay. But you need better restructuring to make an impact on your bands.)

337 words. Bands = 6.5. You can jump to 7.0 or above with some practice.

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11 Comments

  1. Animasaun Kehinde Oluwatimilehin

    *Restructuring my Introduction*

    Undoubtedly, there has been development in technology for the past few years. Due to this, computer based systems are increasingly substituting persons in their occupations. Several job positions such as facility engineering, maintenance engineering and process engineering, have been lost due to thus recent development. As a result, problems faced include massive unemployment and total neglect of trained manpower.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sartaj Singh

      I like this intro. It’s better than the previous one. There are ways to further improve it. For instance “Undoubtedly, technology has made rapid strides during the last two decades.” Replace ‘persons’ with ‘people’. Thus —> This. Overall, it’s good. Bravo!

      Like

  2. simi

    Some of the jobs which are highly-lightly to lost because of technology ,these would be discussed in the following paragraphs ,along with the problems which associated with this lose.

    one of the main significant job, which might be effected with the widespread use of computer is job of taller in the banks because every work can be done by machines in the short-time and no one any person need to stand in the line for their work so, in the future ,when everybody would be educated then the role of taller is likely to lost totally .Apart from this, due to the internet as well as computers another job which is getting affected is the job of Post-man ,because nowadays the internet is available everywhere and people can send their massages by the aid of computer and internet sans any toil , and also these are faster than post-man .Hence, this job position might be lost in future .

    Not only these, many others job at the brink of excitation due to computers,noticeable job is job of industry ,employees are being lost and the major problem which is rising because of this is unemployment .These man-made machines not only do work with greatest and faster way but also requires only one time investment and little-attention .Therefore, over dependence on these machines to rise their profits seems to be negative for the living standard of people in these fields .

    To sum up , presence of computer at work place can not be avoided although these cause certain problem for the society .That’s way ,either we like it or not ,we would have to live with such automatic equipment .

    Like

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