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Some people prefer to be self-employed where as others like working for companies or institutions. Which is the better approach?
PTE: 20 minutes, 200 to 300 words.
IELTS: 40 minutes, 250 words at least.
Everyone has to do some kind of work to earn bread and butter. Some people believe that doing own business has more benefits whereas others are in the favor of doing jobs. In my opinion, although one can earn more profit from
own personal business, getting experience from jobs cannot be neglected. (Introduction is still not strong enough. You can make it better by MENTIONING the reasons supporting your opinion)
Those, who are in the favour of self employment, (The presence of two commas makes this a MODIFYING clause which is wrong.) assert that one becomes
ones one’s own boss at workplace meaning that one not only has flexibility in timings but also has own rules. (the sentence is too long and weird) Those who favor self-employment assert that one becomes one’s own boss allowing flexibility of time and creating own rules. They (You can’t suddenly shift from one to they) do not need to ask anyone before taking any decision. Moreover, If your (from one to they to your. Not correct.) business is successful, you merely will be given credits and you can decide your own salary. If u ???? want more, you can work more; that is the bottom line. Badly structured.
Those, who support job in any organisation, (Mistake of MODIFYING clause repeated) believe that one neither
need needs to invest a lot of money nor need needs to take any risk, if he or she is doing any job. Apart from this, Moreover, a person will get salary at a particular time regardless of any loss to business. To illustrate I am a working professional. Although I have not invested any money or have not taken any risk, I get my salary at a particular time even if my company is going in loss. ()
In conclusion, a combination of both is required. Firstly, an individual should go for doing a job in
that the field in which he wants to start a business. After getting experience he or she can opt self employment. A recent survey by Forbes magazine shows that 70% seventy percent people who failed to run own business were freshers who just started their business after completing studies. (This is not a conclusion. This is just another body paragraph. You need to understand a conclusion’s structure. Please go through this essay and study the exact structure of conclusion.)
264 words. Bands = 6.0 to 6.5.
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