IELTS/ PTE Essay Correction: Local History is More Important than World History.

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Local history is the important part than world history. To what extent do u agree or disagree?

IELTS: 40 minutes, 250 words at least.

PTE: 20 minutes, 200 to 300 words at least.

Answer:

It is contemplated by many (Passive Voice. Prefer Active.) that what should be taught to the young children: predominance of local history rather than the international history. Rephrase: Many people contemplate whether children should be taught local history or international history.

I firmly dispute the resolution (You’ve not proposed any resolution.) and believe that the global history should be the prior concern due to some reasons which would be followed in the preceding (preceding = before. Wrong word usage.) paragraphs. (Prefer mentioning the reasons in the introduction. Never write “… which will be followed in the paragraphs below.”)

One of the most contentious phenomena of this issue is that to embrace the young learns as a “global citizen.” (How is this a contentious phenomenon?)

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The reason of this is that firstly, in terms of international business, the acknowledgment of global history inevitably promote the world business leader. This is due to that this (this is weird. Makes no sense.) attachment with the contemporary international trade and marketing policies enable them to grab the world market (Contemporary is opposite of history. How does this link with the topic – world history?).

As a result, no nations could not only remained within a border but also break through the barrier of a certain boundary. (The meaning of certain boundry and within a border is not clear.) Consequently, an understanding of global history makes a society more international and less isolated.

In addition, impoverished nations have been transformed to middle- income ranged economy to step into the multi-dimensional economy. Therefore, it is admitted that the school- bred children encouraged to emerge as successful world leaders. (You’re using over-complex words that do not gel into the sentence’s meaning. Switch from nation to children is without context and flow.)

Another pivotal issue to comprehend the global learning is that to accelerate the concept of humankind within the fresh learners. The contemporary and past issues of the annihilation in World War 1, 11 (write comelete: world war – 2), Syria, Gaza wars in Syria and Gaza, the refugee crisis, terrorism, catastrophic effects of global warming have been teaching them the humiliation of human rights and interruption in the global harmony. For instance, one of the most respected and admirable figures in the world history, Mother Teressa, is well- known for her generosity and humankind philanthropic activities (Link between Mother Teresa’s example and global wars is not clear. Example must be related to the idea of the paragraph.). If the young children known to came across these people’s biographical literature, it is projected that more and more Mother Teresa’s reincarnation would be observed (How does this link with our topic – world history or local history? Lost context.). Thus ample evidence suggests that the world history is vividly a subject matter of homogenous integrity. (Homogenous integrity? What is that?)

In conclusion, it is admitted that the gravity of world history is the most widest (widest includes most) factors of all (This is vague. What do you mean by widest factors of all?), however, the scope of local history is much narrower, from my perspective (The entire essay is your perspective and the examiner knows that.). The governments of nations should take this subject as the top most priority to include in the school curriculums to mitigate global conflicts.

354 words. Too long. Please write in a lucid manner with words that perfectly fit in the sentence’s meaning. Your ideas are fine. However, the choice of words makes things vague and reduce understanding.

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