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PTE Essay (IELTS task 2) Correction: Researching Family’s History.

Family History IELTS PTE

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In some parts of the world, it is becoming popular to research the history of one’s own family. Why people want to do this ? is it a positive or negative development?

IELTS: 40 minutes, 250 words at least.

PTE: 20 minutes, 200 to 300 words.

Answer:

Please go through the answer explanation and structure HERE.

In various countries around the globe, people are looking forward to trace tracing their origins. Nowadays, people are moving towards the spirituality and peace of mind.

In the field of neuroscience, we can find enormous development(s) which lead to introspect inwards rather than outwards. Nonetheless, it’s a cardinal progress which has been done by the human kind. (I can’t see the relation of these two lines either to the topic or to the introduction. What is the relation of neuroscience to our topic? What is the cardinal progress?) You need to learn the art of INTRODUCTION.

Apparently, Neuroscience is becoming the core of every aspect of life. Moreover, doctors believe that if we could contemplate the source of the issue or any sort of disease, so, these could be dealt in an appropriate way. As we do find some diseases or disorders which are genetically inherited (Incomplete sentence)This paragraph is on neuroscience and I can’t see any relevance to our question.

On the other hand, there are some research has been done on the learning skills or abilities by the psychologist (Passive Voice. Prefer Active.) and neuroscientist Carol Dweck who sheds the light on these historical introspections. At present, there is a shift of paradigm paradigm shift in the society which is leading the western world to this sort of phenomenon. In order to comprehend, the formation of habit pattern of humankind, it’s it is (Don’t use contractions in formal writing) essential to establish a relation with our past or history. Recently, I read a book “The Power of habit” by Charles Dhuigg wherein he has elucidated numerous behavior patterns those where (wrong pronoun. Use which instead of those) which are related to the peoples’ historical backgrounds.

In order to conclude, In conclusion, I’d would like to mention that (redundant words) these researches are the a result of the new development of the era of the technology and the zeal of researchers to know the unknown aspects of humankind. In future, hopefully, there will be unprecedented research in this domain of historical introspection.

The essay was complex and lacked ideas. You didn’t explain your ideas adequately. Your writing includes heavy words that do not convey the meaning properly. Bands = 6.0 to 6.5.

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One response

  1. The subject, family origin, has generated a lot of concern among people all around the world that even the social media is now replete with the subject. While opponents see it as a total waste of time and resources, I believe that it helps to unify and bring peace to among people and as well enhances human identity.
    Going by the happenings around the world, you will see that inter-communal wars and terrorism is highly on the increase. The sole reason for this is that people do not understand their origin, consequently, they are put in loggerhead with each other and war breaks out. The knowledge of their genealogy, they can live peacefully as one people.
    Furthermore, there is a pride in knowing where you come from as this helps to present you a better social outlook. People that have forgotten about their origin can not easily be identified. For example, in the US, many of the blacks do not know their country of origin talk more of knowing their families, and consequently, this makes them withdrawn from the general public.
    In conclusion, the research on family history has many advantages and to foster peace and unity around the world, governments need to encourage people to research more about their origin.

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