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IELTS Essay Correction: Local History More Important Than World History.

history IELTS PTE

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Please go through the sample answer HERE.
Some people believe that for children learning about the local history is more important than knowing the World history. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
 
Our world history play plays a significant role in our present life. Despite this few individuals think that knowledge of local history more beneficial. I strongly disagree with this statement because knowledge of  both histories are is important it states that what happens in our past, I will dicuss some points in upcoming paragraphs. (No need to write this.) (51 words. Length is perfect.) (Subject-verb disagreement.)

First of all, knowledge of local history tells us, who I were was (us vs I). So pupils learning through their local history such as language ???, friends and relatives and local historical buildings are brilliant way to preserve their culture as well as roots. For instance, Sikhs had a great history in which their guru’s made many rules and norms. Follow to this Following these customs are is manadatory for all the Sikh community (all Sikhs) for preserving their history by respect. (72 words. Length is good. Try reaching 80 words.) – benefits of local history.
 
Similarly, the world history is also helpful for children to knowing know about their global past how the world came into existence, and how religions develops developed (tense mistake) and follow were followed by different people of various countries. In addition, its tells us, how the world war begins began. Furthermore, different countries have vivid languages, customs, traditions, religions, historical buildings and monuments such as Tajmahal. (So? Incomplete idea.) (52 words. Short of words. Try reaching 80) – benefits of world history.
 
To conclude, both local and world history have their own significance so pupils learning about their past from their childhood is much important. (This is a cause-effect sentence. While the cause is clear, the effect/ consequence is not clear.)
 
The Government should also make some learning about history programmes in interesting way in shools so that by the help of using these methods pupils will learn more about their both history. (51 words. Perfect length.)
 
226 words. Increase the word length. Introduction and conclusion length is perfect. Increase body paragraph 2 to 80 words.

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