Advertisements

IELTS Writing Task 2 Correction: Crime Has Increased All Over The World – 2.

Criminal Volatile Police Cop Crime Chase Did
Image Courtesy: Max Pixel.
Reports are showing that crime has increased all over the world and many people believe that nothing can be done to prevent it, while others disagree. What is your opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include relevant examples from your own experience.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Please go through my answer HERE. Another student has written an answer on this topic.

Answer:

 
Global Globally people have been facing an immense problem of crime for several years. The majority of individuals think that it is impossible to tackle with this problem, not only other people but I am also opposed to this opinion. (39 words. Try reaching 45. Please follow the structure I’ve sent you. Mention WHY you think it is impossible. EXPLAIN this in the body paragraphs.)
 
Firstly, following law and order, which made by governments (passive voice) should be compulsory for all people, either he is a rich person or poor person because it has been seen that many time rich person gave a collosal colossal amount of money and he got free from a crime which was done by him (passive voice). (Long sentence. 52 words.)
 
Rephrase: Firstly, the government should frame law and order policy, which is compulsory for all citizens irrespective of their wealth. Rich often use their colossal amount of money to avoid imprisonment after committing a crime. The law should prevent any such event. (3 sentences. 19, 15 and 7 words. Total words = 41 words.)
Secondly, corruption should be reduced by using various safety measures (Passive Voice. Prefer Active.) of technology such as CCTV surveillance in all public areas (school, bus stands, roadsides and so more places) as well as those places where the risk of more occurrence of crimes of occurrence is high. Consequently, people should automatically start following the rules. Furthermore, give proper guidelines to children in their younger age by parents and school teachers (Passive Voice), so, in future children will become good citizens, hence, crime rate will less in future. (74 words.)
 
Rephrase: Furthermore, parents and school teachers should give proper guidelines to children at a young age so that they become good citizens in the future. This will seriously reduce the crime rate. (Active Voice. Two sentences. Use of adverbs such as seriously.)
 
Thirdly, the crime rate is increasing due to lack of self defence knowledge. In some country countries (some = plural; country = singular.) schools school children are provided self-defence practices but not in all schools of global. However, this practice is not widely prevalent. (Prefer however over but) Hence, by some wrong persons (Passive Voice.) girls should raped or murdered. If girls have a practice of self-protection, they protect themselves from criminals.
Hence, criminals rape and murder innocent girls in third world countries. (Active voice) 
For instance, some girls have to keep pepper spray in their bags so that they can use this it while when someone attacks on the them and they also use their mobile for calling police or trusted person when they have in danger (A very long sentence. Make it short.). Although government already made rules for girls protection (Incomplete sentence. Correct Construction: Although X, Y). (95 words.)
To conclude, in world, by country governments should make more legislate and enforce strict laws for country people so that they criminals cannot think about to do committing crimes. People also should be aware of punishments which are given awarded after crimes. Criminals will have threaten of law orders, so they do not commit crime in the future (Repetition.). Last but not least, self-defense knowledge must be compulsory for all school children, hence, they become self-protector.

Are you’re looking for help in writing a powerful Statement of Purpose? Contact us NOW!

Follow this blog and like our Facebook page to learn exciting new essays. Please share your answer to this topic in the comments box below. You can contact me HERE.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: