IELTS Essay Correction: Local History More Important Than World History – 1.

history IELTS PTE

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Some people believe that for children learning about the local history is more important than knowing the World history. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Please go through the sample answer HERE.

Answer:

Learning history will expand(Tense. You’re making a general statement. Use Present Simple.) one’s knowledge of the past and broaden broadens his horizon (Parallelism mistake. Use the same tense before and after AND). Regarding studying learning (Weird. Studying = Learning. All are ing),  the debate has been heated (A heated debate on)  whether teaching local history will have greater benefits than the world history in among school children. I personally think that either local history or the world history is crucial in for the development of knowledge in the younger generation. (Opinion is not clear. Can’t use either here.) (58 words.)

It is indisputable that Undoubtedly, nourishing young children with local history will have an enormous advantage. This is because local history since it not only provides a foundation for the youths to explore their own identity and origin but also promotes the sense of patriotism. (Brevity – using fewer words to express an idea – is a much-appreciated virtue in the English language.) For example, young Singaporeans must learn how did Singapore become from third world country to first world country in last decades their country developed from a third world country to a first world country in just two decades, so that they can fully appreciate the plight that the late Mr Lee Kwan Yew, founder of Singapore, had (Can’t use Past Perfect Tense here. Use Simple Present. To understand the difference, please read this article.) experienced and value the current achievement. (85 words.)

On the other hand, knowing the world history will bring several benefits too. To start with, both local and the world history go hand in hand. By knowing both histories, schoolchildren will have a comprehensive understanding of human civilization as well as a holistic development of their knowledge. Although some people claim that learning the world history is just memorization of memorizing “the fact” and time-consuming, and it may not be useful for own country, many students would like to assess (The word assess does not fit in this sentence. What exactly do you want to communicate? Please mention in the comments box below.) international education in this growing globalization era. If these students join foreign universities with lack of knowledge of foreign culture and history, they will face misunderstanding and setbacks. (105 words. Well written in terms of grammar and sentence structure. Please communicate the idea clearly. How exactly do local and world history go hand-in-hand? Not explained.)

Taking all into consideration, this is my strong belief that In conclusion, young generation has to understand both local and the world history so that they will get a deeper insight into the past human development and dignity. (36 words. Too short. Please make it longer. Learn how to write a powerful conclusion.)

Total words = 284 words. Reduce a sentence in the body paragraph 2 and add one in th conclusion.

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