IELTS/ PTE Essay Correction: Dangerous Sports.

Dangerous sports IELTS PTE.jpg

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More people are now engaged in dangerous sports like skiing, motorbike jumping. Are you in favor of such activities? Why?

The importance of dangerous sports, which was always debatable, has now become more controversial. The substantial influence of dangerous these sports has sparked controversy over the potential impact of this trend on the number of people over the years. Merge the sentences: The importance of dangerous sports, which was always debatable, has become controversial due to the potential impact of this trend on the number of people over the years.

It can be agreed that adventure sports are beneficial. However, some people believe it has disadvantages too (this is a repetition of the above lines in different words.). This essay will demonstrate both sides of doing dangerous sports and thus will lead to the logical conclusion (the reader knows what the essay will do. That’s the question. Please avoid writing this.). Give your opinion and mention reasons supporting your view. (71 words. Too long for an introduction.)

At the outset, While there are numerous reasons why most of the people prefer to do skiing and motorbike jumping, but the most conspicuous one stems from the fact is that it boost boosts the confidence of the people. As an illustration, sportsperson usually faces all the challenge that come to them him, which (link which to the word it refers to – challenges.) makes them him experienced to accept failure and go towards the success confidently. (Rephrase: A sportsperson, for instance, faces several challenges that make him more experienced to face obstacles and more flexible to accept failure graciously.) In addition to that Moreover, it helps to create the friend circle a network of people who love adventure games where they can exchange their difficulties and enhance their skills. Hence, it helps people to be more confident than they used to be (You’ve said this already.)(102 words.)

Nevertheless, some people adopt an opposing view and tend to believe that motorbike jumping and skiing is are life-threatening and gives give stress to the family member of sportsperson until they came back home from their activities. However, these can be removed by using protective gears while performing activities. In this way, negative effect can be substituted by using protective equipment (Repetition of the line above in different words.)(59 words.)

From what has been discussed above, it can be concluded that In conclusion, engagement in dangerous sports is prominent as it boosts confidence of the people and its negative effect could be well handled by using safety gauge. (36 words. Short. Redundancy. Make it longer. Learn the art of writing a conclusion.)

Total Words = 267 words. A lot of redundancy, repetition. Little grammar mistakes.

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One Comment

  1. Godswill

    The term, “dangerous sports”, has been attributed to some sports that can put one’s life at risk. While some see these games as normal and a form of entertainment, i believe these games should be either
    closely monitored or scrapped from sporting activities because of the high risk involved.
    It is a common knowledge that sports have become a way of entertainment, and this can be traced back to the Roman Empire days when slaves were meant to wrestle themselves to death in an apparent way to keep the Emperor entertained. While the people were kept happy, lives were lost. In recent times, this trend has changed and people now get involved in a more life threatening sports such as skiing and motorbike jumping. Man has suffered from a list life threatening conditions in history and therefore, we should not add to the list by adding sports that are capable of taking our lives.
    However, if such activities must be added into the curriculum, organizing bodies must take utmost care in making sure that the risk involved has to be minimized to the barest minimum. This can be done through the use of protective equipment, improved regulations and better sanctions.
    In conclusion, it is noteworthy that every activity has a measure of risk, but what matters most is how these risks are curtailed or minimized. Therefore, in my opinion, if the risk involved in these dangerous sporting activities cannot be reduced to an appreciable level, these games should be removed so that life can be preserved.

    Like

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