IELTS Essay Correction: Smoking at Public Places.

smoking IELTS PTE

Image Courtesy: Pixabay

In many countries, it is now illegal to smoke in public places. It is only fair that people who wish to smoke should have to leave the building. Do you agree or disagree?

40 minutes, 250 words.

Answer:

Please go through the Sample Answer as well.

 

Generally, smoking in public areas is not that much of better one for anyone harmful not only for active smokers but also passive recepients. I think that it is better to make strict rules for the people smoking in public area because this public smoking it (use referencing) gives causes health problems to passive smokers as well as and nobody respects the people who smoke in public places. (lost parallelism score. Please read the article on parallelism to improve your grammar)

Firstly, public smoking gives a huge causes severe problems to the passive smokers because a lot of carbon components deliver from the smokers. Sequentially they get health problems. Link the two sentences to create COHESION: Firstly, public smoking causes severe health problems such as respiratory disorders and cancer to passive smokers since soot/ pollution from the smoke deposits in the lungs. 

For instance, a person smokes in the at a bus stop. The smoke comes from him reaches the other people in that place. Even though they do not smoke the cigarette directly, they breathe the polluted air indirectly. Let me link the two sentences: For instance, a person who smokes at a bus stop forces others to inhale the pollution indirectly even if they are not engaged in the activity directly. (prefer not repeating the word “smoking”. Use activity.)

Secondly, they face disrespect from the other people in the society because as smoking is not a fair one in any considered an unhealthy activity in every nation. People do not talk with them properly. Every time smokers are being blamed by some people who want to comment on other’s bad habits. (Can you try connecting these simple sentences using connectors? Please rewrite in the comments box below.)

For example, if a person has a small clash with a smoker, he blames that person everywhere by this smoking issue. (This is not an example. An example contains data, facts. For example, in Sikh religion smoking is seen as a taboo activity and any Sikh who smokes is declared an outcast.) Can you recreate an example and write it in the comments box below?

In conclusion, if the government makes strict rules about public smoking, people will not only smoke in private places (Wrong usage of if…., then….. Correct usage if …(present tense)…, then ……(future tense – will)…..). then will not only the government rules give best results (what are best results? Try avoiding generalizations. Be specific. Concrete. You will lose bands for generalizations.) but also the smokers take the responsibility towards this issue (need to discuss this sentence once you’ve read the Parallelism article). This will help a lot for public. Moreover the respect between people will increase. (Again too generalized. Help how?) This will improve people’s health and reduce health expenditure.

 

Total Words = 228. You will lose bands for writing less than 250 words.

Please feel free to ask any doubts in the comments box below.

Are you’re looking for help in writing a powerful Statement of Purpose? Contact us NOW!

Follow this blog and like our Facebook page to learn exciting new essays. Please share your answer to this topic in the comments box below. You can contact me HERE.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s