Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Improve Public Health By Increasing Sports Facilities – 1.

sports games IELTS PTE

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Please go through another student’s correction on the same topic.

Answer:

While some would argue that health of the people can be improved by burgeoning the health fitness centres because gymnasiums help them to maintain a healthy lifestyle, others think that these gyms are least helpful and investing them is a waste of money(Please start a new sentence) rather government should spend the same budget on the infrastructure of hospitals. While enhancing more number of sports facilities is going to ameliorate health conditions to a certain extent, I believe that government should focus mainly on the improvement of health facilities as they are much useful for the existing patients. (92 words. The introduction is too long.)

Please note that the ‘others think’ are your thoughts. Pleasent them as yours. While some people argue that public health can be improved by investing in sports facilities as they (connecting word) help in maintaining a healthy lifestyle, others think the governments should spend scarce funds on hospital and healthcare facilities since these provide emergency care. I believe an optimum mixture of the two facilities will be more beneficial for the society. (57 words.)

On one hand, many people are becoming overweight because they do not have adequate sports stadiums in their locality. (You’ve not explained the first point and started explaining the next. Remove ‘furthermore’) Furthermore, by constructing more recreational centres, more number of people use them and maintain their fitness which in turn decreases the incidences of diseases such as diabetes and hypertension.

Rephrase: Inadequate sports infrastructure has resulted in a greater number of people becoming obese than ever before and increasing incidence of diseases such as diabetes and hypertension.

For example, according to a recent survey by The Hindu, an eminent English daily newspaper, (need a comma here) stated that there was a dramatic decrease in the obesity rate among the people in Hyderabad after the construction of four big sports complexes. However, I believe that this does not main priority as many deaths are happening in the hospitals due to lack of adequate facilities (???? What’s your point?).

On the other hand, strengthening public health domain is the topmost task since most of the government hospitals lack basic facilities such as scanning machines and operating instruments. Moreover, (do not use moreover to explain the same point) these services equipments help doctors to detect diseases in at an earlier stage which can be cured with medicine which that costs lesser to the government. For instance, the United Kingdom recently published a report on the prevalence of breast cancers through screening programmes and it concludes concluded that National Health Services implementations has have saved millions of pounds and lives by detecting disease in at an early stage. I emphatically believe that if nations spend budget on health care infrastructure it would save money as well as lives of many people.

In conclusion, even though construction of sports facilities helps the people to a certain extent, I think that first countries should enhance the resources in the public hospitals which hugely benefits individual and society. (34 words.)

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