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IELTS Essay Correction: Celebrities More Famous for Glamour than Achievements.

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Image Courtesy: Flickr Eva Rinaldi

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example for young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

40 minutes, 250 words.

Undoubtedly, these days several celebrities are popular for their dazzling looks and wealthy lifestyles, despite of (wrong preposition. No of with despite) great achievements as well as they become a wicked role model for teenagers. (Can’t use undoubtedly, if you partially agree with the statement.) I partially agree with this statement, since some celebrities are not only good role models but also great persons in their personal life with healthy lifestyles.

Some people believe that celebrities are popular for their dazzling looks and wealthy lifestyle and that this has an adverse influence on youngsters. I …….

Firstly, female teenagers love and inspire easily with unique fashions, prestige lifestyles, and skinny bodies of female women superstars and they start imitating them in their personal lives (pronoun mistake: they, them, their should refer to the same noun. In you case they refer to two nouns). For instance, female (repeating this noun means poor connection and cohesion in the essay) teenagers do not eat healthy food as well as even start dieting for sliming of bodies, hence their bodies get several problems such as eating disorders which are not appropriate for health.

Rephrase: Firstly, female teenagers ……… women superstars and they start imitating THESE superstars in their personal lives. For instance, THEY do not ……..

Secondly, many younger boys are influenced with delightfulness of outfits and vehicles of male popular persons celebrities as well as are attracted with to unhealthy lifestyles such as smoking, drinking, and abusing. Consequently, they start following (OR to follow) them and get catch inappropriate habits which lead to crimes such as theft.

On the contrary, In the world, several celebrities, those carryout huge hard work for pursuing their difficult goals and great achievements and they do not get glamour and wealth easily. For example, Indian cricketer Mahinder Singh Dhoni(comma needed) who is known with sound career triumph, achieved (tense) fame after many obstacles and Bollywood actor Amitabh Bachchan is also known for various good deeds. They both are now role models for the young generation and shed positive influence on it young generation (repetition), and follow teenagers wisely ??? both of them. (This is a cause-effect essay. Side 1: This sets a bad example; side 2: This DOES NOT set a bad example. You can’t contest “Celebrities more famous for their glamour than achievements.”)

In conclusion, if celebrities become  not only  wise personalities but also adopt appropriate habits and lifestyles in their personal as well as professional life, they will really leave a positive influence and become a suitable example for teenagers. Young people will definitely imitate their healthy habits and great achievements and make proud for their country proud.

Need improvements in grammar, cohesion. Task response is not accurate.

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