IELTS Essay Correction: Criminals Should do Unpaid Work for Community – 2.

criminals IELTS PTE

Some people think that not all criminals should be kept in prison. Some criminals should do unpaid work to help other people in the community. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

40 minutes, 250 Words only.

Please read the sample answer as well.

Answer:

It is said, “people are not criminal criminals but they are made.” Some people believe that criminals should be kept in the jails so that no crime would spread occur in the society but other think they should be offered some work to give benefits to the society. (you’ve not stated your view at all. The exam clearly asks for your view – do YOU agree or disagree. Task Response bands will fall.)

Criminals are treated as the animals in the society. People have a negative thinking against them. So they must be in the prisons rather than roaming in the streets openly. Because due to their presence in the society people do not feel safe. (you’ve written three simple sentences. These need to be connected to make a complex 7+ band sentence. Rephrase: Since society is not safe in presence of criminals and many people have a negative thinking towards criminals, it is better to imprison them than letting them roam on streets openly.) According to a survey by Newyork criminal organisation New York Police Department (NYPD), it has been studied that (redundant words.) if a criminal would be is kept in the society freely then people will be affraid of them him (subject-pronoun agreement) and even criminal will also keep commiting the crimes which can be harmfull for community and a country too. (there’s too much of crime and criminal in this sentence. Please make changes in vocabulary. Here’s an example: …… will be afraid of him since he may keep committing atrocities on innocent people ……) So they (a criminal = singular; they = plural) must be jailed. Because there, they can be treated to be a good citizen as well as they must be punished to realize about the crime which they did. (a badly structured sentence with not-so-good lexical resources: Moreover, a jail is the right place to reform a convict and make him realize the crime he committed.)

On the flip side, if criminals are offered to do any job however (Wrong usage of connecting word: however) which must be unpaid, it can also will (Wrong implementation of IF …., THEN …… clause.) help them to realize about their mistakes and even it can will give benefits to the peole of the community. So that criminals can also learn any work which they can also pursue after completion of their such punishment as well as they must create a good relationship with the society too. (no need of using too with as well as.) As well as Moreover, this will give them an opputunity to become a good citizen. For instance, a criminal in Mumbai committed many crimes in India. But rather than sending him to prison Judge sent him to a hospital to cook the food for the patients and the staff too. This work was really effective for that person and after being released he opened a hotel and started spending a happy life. (The example is not strong enough to fetch you bands. Learn how to write better examples.)

To conclude, if the criminals are sent to the prison then it do will not let them be in the good company because they will be in the batch company of the same kind but assigning them unpaid job can help them to change thier mantality. (You really need to learn how to implement IF …., THEN ….. clause.)

Bands = 6.0. 

Ask any doubts in the comments box below.

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2 Comments

  1. aasupple

    The prison industrial complex profits by making more criminals. Unfortunately, this huge money maker targets groups who are not given a fare chance to compete in a dominantly white society and who pursue fringe economies to make a living. More laws are passed to control these pursuits creating unrealistic fears in the society, at large, that these people are a threat to their safety and security. Civic service would help in many ways; job training, inter-racial interactions, service to the individual and the community, participation, and usefulness. I do not think more exploitation is a good idea by not paying for this work.

    Like

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