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IELTS Essay Correction: Governments Think Economic Progress is Most Important.

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Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Many argue that financial development is the principal aim of many (Word repetition: many) governments while others argue (word repetition: argue) believe that improvement in other areas are also equally important for a country’s development. This essay agrees that economic development is crucial for a country’s progress but improvement in other fields are also equally important (this is a repetition of the first sentence.) because a balanced improvement in all aspect is more advantageous and moreover (do not use two connectors together – and, moreover) other fields also contribute to the economy of a nation.

Let me rephrase your introduction to meke things clear: 

Many people argue that financial development is the principal aim of a government since it brings economic prosperity for every citizen (MENTION the reason supporting view 1) (View 1 in sentence 1). Others, however, believe that along with economic growth human and ecological development (what do you mean by OTHERS? State that clearly.) are equally crucial since money alone can not satify humans (MENTION the reason supporting view 2) (View 2 in sentence 2).

Economic development is a priority in the development of a nation as it determines a country’s power in the global stage. It creates high wage jobs and facilitates improved quality of life for the citizens in the country. Moreover, this department it provides funds for the nations a nation’s infrastructural development such as bridges, parks, roads and railways developing a nation’s infrastructure such as bridges, …….. (Wrong usage of such as in your sentence. Discuss with me.) and even provide financial aid to other departments such as health, tourism and education. Furthermore larger economy makes it easier for the government to help those who are less fortunate (OR the less fortunate) or and can (Can is not parallel to to help. Parallelism mistake. The usage of AND means the govenment does two things – to help and can.) direct more resources to impoverished areas. For instance, in 2006 an economic recession was faced by Indian economy which led to financial crisis and increased unemployment by 24%. (So, what did the government do? Did it make economic prosperity a priority? Incomplete example.)

On the other hand, there is no doubt that government should also take into account other areas along with the economy. There are numerous other aspects that play a major role in the development of country such as (Wrong placement of such as. These are not examples of a country) ministry of health, education and tourism. Money can’t provide a healthy nation until and unless government provides adequate health care facilities and basic amenities to its citizen. Another key consideration when judging the progress of a modern country should be how well that country protects natural environment and how it is maintaining sustainable environment. For example, as per the report of NDMC (Do not assume that the examiner knows the full form of an abbreviation.) in 2017, the drastic increase in pollution level in Delhi decreased the flow of tourists by 18% and it in turn affected the economy of country in to a great extent.

To conclusion In conclusion (to conclude), while there is no doubt that economic growth is a vital element for a country’s development, it is undeniable that there are other sectors that the government should be concerned with such as education, health and travel and tourism.

Total Words = 348. Too much. Write less. Write effective. Spend some time on revision. Bands = 6.5.

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