IELTS Essay Correction: Fatherhood Ought to be Emphasised as much as Motherhood.

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Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether to have babies leads to the idea that they are responsible for bringing the children up. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

There is need to highlight the equal important role of a father along with that of a mother in the upbringing of a child. This essay agrees I strongly believe that without being together parents can’t design the a role model image for their kid to follow. A child needs not only to learn domestic manners but also to adopt a psychology to deal with social challenges (Do fathers help in this?). Moreover, its it is observed that kids brought up solely by mothers indulge in criminal activities comparatively(its = pronoun, which must refer to a noun.) Let me re-write your introduction in fewer words:

There is a need to highlight the equally important role of a father along with that of a mother in the upbringing of a child. While the presence of a father helps a child not only learn domestic matters (reason 1) but also adopt an attitude to deal with social challanges (reason 2), there is a strong scientific evidence to point out that children brough up in single mother homes indulge in criminal activities (reason 3)Mention the reasons supporting your opinion. Discuss them in the body paragraph. Discuss the strategy with me, if needed.

(Note: This body paragraph is on NONE of the points MENTIONED in the introduction. Please EXPLAIN only those points that you have mentioned in the introduction) Outdoor world is entirely different from indoor environment (The sentence is too small. Just 8 words long. Combine with the next sentence to create a complex sentence.). Social circumstances are rougher, challenging and fluctuating as compared to polite domestic environment. (Outdoor world, where social circumstances are rough and challanging (modifier), is entirely different from a safe and comfortable (collocation – adjective) domestic environment.)

For a kid to cope with these problems, there should be someone who has not only seen these ups and downs but also can guide the child sincerely and effectively. This is what exactly the role of a father. For example, according to a survey in of top ten Indian medical and engineering universities in 2013, most of the students believed that they got admissions against high merit due to proper guidance and vision of their fathers. (a well-written example.)

Its It is the rule of thumb that without father a kid may involve in immoral activities such as adultery, leaving studies at an early age, theft etc (parallelism violation. Please read the article on Rules of Parallelism and discuss the issue with me.: such as adultery and theft). The reason (Try connecting a reason with the previous sentence using SINCE. See below.) is that without father’s strict checking behavior, a mother’s kind nature can act as driving force for a child to become part of such activities and such kids become criminals sooner or later.

Social scientists have proved that without father a kid may involve in immoral activities such as adultry and theft since (connecting word.) a father’s strict checking behaviour is a strong restriction against such practices than a mother’s kind demeanour.

For instance, a psychological survey of secondary school children in India in 2015 reported that out of 1500 young cases of drug addiction and robbery, 1200 were those who became orphan at an very early age.

In conclusion, it’s it is (please do not use contractions in IELTS/PTE exam) important to note that no one can deny the fact of a father’s role in the development of a sound personality and positive psychology of a child. Upbringing of children is a responsibility which can never be full filled solely by mothers because without fatherly figure a young individual may adopt an anti-social behavior. (Conclusion is very well written. Good rephrasing.)

Total Words = 322. Bands = 7.0. Aim for 8.0 with the corrections mentioned above. Please discuss them individually with me. Learn the art of writing a bit concisely using constructions/ connecting words such as since.

Ask any doubts in the comments box below.

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