Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Impose Higher Tax on Fast Food.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Image Courtesy: Wikimedia Commons

In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words only.

Please go through the following essays on Junk Food as well.

  1. People turning towards fast food.
  2. Teach children to avoid junk food.

Answer:

Nowadays, consumption of junk food is increasing exponentially and fast food restaurants has have already been become a an ubiquitous part of our modern society. People are increasingly suffering from various health issues such as obesity and cardiovascular disorders due to their habit of consuming junk food. Connect the two sentences using the connector AND and referencing word THIS. “…. modern society and this had resulted in increasing incidence of various health related issues such as …… disorders.”

Many argue that imposing a hefty tax on fast foods will reduce the incidence of health problems caused by it. I completely agree to this I strongly believe that imposing hefty taxes on junk food will reduce the incidence of health problems since imposing higher revenue this will lower the consumption and governments can use the revenue money to subsidize organic food. (Introduction is very well written. However, it is too long. 88 words long. Please learn the technique of combining sentences using connecting words. This will help you reduce the number of words.)

Increasing taxes would raises (keep it Simple Present Tense) prices and lowers consumption. Fast (connect the sentences. Previous sentence is just 8 words long.) and the fast food companies would pass on these taxes to consumers in the form of higher prices and this would lead to people not being able to afford junk food. For instance, McDonald’s fast food restaurant chain revealed that when government of India introduced Goods And Service Tax, which  raised the revenue taxes of fast food restaurants and other luxurious luxury hotels from 12% to 18% (Good use of MODIFIER), it reduced their number of customers by around 25% (I love this example. You’re getting the art of writing an effective example.). Thus, with a higher tax imposed, people will not  choose fast food as the cost of it will become a burden to their expenditures. (a repetition of the second sentence of this paragraph.) Consequently, people will prefer home cooked food which is much healthier and cheaper.

Apart from that, consuming high fat meals daily can increases various health related problems like such as obesity, increased B.P blood pressure (hypertension) and other cardiovascular diseases (Violation of Rules of Parallelism. Please discuss with me if you have not understood the concept.). With the these health problems one cannot be fully productive which in turn affects the economy of the country. Moreover increasing tax amount will help the government economically and they can direct this revenue money to promote the use of organic food which is healthier. For example, in an article by World Health Organisation revealed that by increasing the consumption of organic food has reduced obesity in United States by 13%. (I do not see the role of taxes in this example.)

To conclude, in today’s fast paced world more and more people are consuming junk food because of its convenience and their lack of time. With the higher taxes imposed  on high fat meals, the number of people who consume fast food will decrease significantly and thereby can reduce health issues caused buy it. IF …. THEN …. clause is an excellent tool to write an effective FUTURE based conclusion. Let me rewrite your sentence using this clause: If higher taxes are imposed on the junk food (present tense), the number of people consuming fast food will (future tense) decrease significantly and this will (future tense) reduce the health problems resulting from such food.

Total Words = 352. Too long for the exam. Please reserve some time for revision. Bands = 6.5 to 7.0. 

Ask any doubts in the comments box below.

Are you looking for help in writing a powerful Statement of Purpose? Contact us NOW!

Follow this blog and like our Facebook page to learn exciting new essays. You can contact me HERE.

Advertisements

2 replies »

    • Great point Bill. I believe the government has no right to restrict free will of individuals. This essay is, however, for IELTS and other English language exams. Personally, I strongly believe in the principles enshrined in the American and Indian constitutions. Thanks for raising an interesting point.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.