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IELTS Essay Correction: Expansion of Supermarkets, Closure of Local Businesses.

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Due to the development and rapid expansion of supermarkets in some countries, many small, local businesses are unable to compete. Some people think that the closure of local business will bring about the death of local communities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

40 minutes, 250 words only.

Answer:

A large number of local businesses are leading towards closure, (no comma needed here) due to the inefficiency inability (Inefficiency is related to an action. Lexical Resource problem.) to compete with the augmentation of supermarkets (they’re not competing with augmentation but with supermarkets.). A certain portion of the population believes I strongly believe that this closure (this refers to the closure of local businesses) will result in the extinction of local communities since …….. I totally agree with this opinion as death of local markets not only brings the death of local communities, but also deprives the poor local vendors of their employment. (note: In a agree/disagree essay, you need not state PEOPLE’s opinion. Directly state your opinion while giving REASONS supporting your opinion.)

I strongly believe that this will result in the extinction of local communities since small stores employ local residents primarily (reason 1) and sell locally produced goods/ products (reason 2).

Just explain reason 1 in body paragraph 1 and reason 2 in body paragraph 2.

Supermarkets are spreading expanding at a rapid speed and every individual prefers them because of the convenience of getting everything under one roof. The diverted attention of customers towards supermarkets have made the local markets go into a loss and therefore end close their shops. (you’ve used the first two sentences for explaining how supermarkets are leading to the closure of local shops. However, the question is on the death of local communities. Use this space to explain the reasons and not merely expand on question statement.) Moreover, it also causes the death of local communities as these local sellers shut down their businesses and move onto some other places in search of jobs. Therefore making these communities filled with high class people who obviously like supermarkets and malls.

Sample Paragraph – discuss with me, if needed: Local businesses employ residents of nearby localities and help sustain the local communities. With the onslaught cash-rich supermarkets with international high-quality products, people are gravitating away from small shops. This has led to falling revenue and profits of local firms and, consequently, many businesses have closed down (Explain the idea and then give example). For example, a business survey in India recently revealed that with the expansion of supermarkets, the sale of local stores has fallen by more than 48 percent leading to the closure of businesses and extinction of communities dependent on these businesses.

In addition to all this, the closure of local markets leaves the local vendors with no job or employment. Every seller of the local market owns their own shop, be it on rent or lease, and tries to earn a living out of it. But However, since the inception of supermarkets, their (Every = singular; their = plural. Subject-pronoun disagreement) shops have been suffering huge loss due to which they end up shutting down their business. These poor uneducated people had have no other source of income and their businesses were are their only bread and butter they had. For example, a local grocery store owner was in huge debt as a ever since a new supermarket was opened in the same area. In spite of giving major discounts, people were attracted towards the fake sales of the supermarket, thus making his store run on into a loss. (Okay. I guess the store closed. Did it lead to the extinction of local community? Poor task response.) (avoid giving a personal example.)

In conclusion, although supermarkets are a refreshing change in many countries, they should not try to replace the local markets and their businesses. While supermarkets are the future, local markets have been a trademark of traditional knowledge. (I can’t see local communities here. Loss of Task Response.)

Bands = 6.0 to 6.5. Despite your good English, there are some serious concerns that prevent a 7 band score. Let us discuss them in greater detail.

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