IELTS Essay Correction: Opportunity to Study Abroad.

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In the past, when students did a university degree, they tended to study in their own country. Nowadays, they have more opportunities to study abroad. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this development? You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.

Answer:

Education is the central pillar of human civilization and it empowers and enlightens the qualities of a student. In earlier days, higher education was done mainly in their (who is their? Wrong pronoun usage.) own native countries while in recent years, as there are enormous opportunities, students prefer overseas education. Although this trend has some drawbacks such as culture shock and brain drain, it has several benefits to the students ranging from international and intercultural exposure to developing personal and communication skill. (Excellent introduction. Mentioned the points in a well-structured sentence.)

International degrees are more valued these days by (passive voice. Prefer ACTIVE) many reputed companies and foreign university degree it (prefer pronoun use – builds cohesion) always helps in securing a plum job (ACTIVE: Many reputed companies value international degrees which help in securing a well-paid job.). Moreover, studying in a foreign country provides them (them who? No noun to refer to.) students with the opportunity for intercultural exposure and makes (makeS is parallel to provides) them confident to face the world. Furthermore, it helps in developing stronger communication skills and learning a new language will makes (maintain the same tense – Simple Present) make them competent and also improves (Improves and Makes are parallel. will make is wrong.) adaptational skils. For instance, in a recent article in The Hindu by Microsoft revealed that 72 percent of thir employees have a foreign degreeFor instance, a recent survey of 100 largest multinational companies revealed that these companies prefer candidates with international exposure and more than 72 percent of their employees have international degrees. (Try writing an example clearly with data/facts. Discuss with me.)

Despite these advantages, many think that sometimes student fails to adapt with to the changed environment and culture, and experience cultural shock. In such situations, they (a student = singular; they = plural) the student fails to complete the degree and loss loses a huge amount of money (suffers a huge monetary loss). Apart from that those who successfully complete the course prefer to continue a job there only rather than coming back to their home nation resulting in Brain Drain. For example, in (wrong preposition) a recent (recent = 2015-16) survey by the Indian Foreign ministry in 2015-2016 found that 33 percent of students continue to work in those foreign countries in which where they studied. (Okay, here’s the problem. The paragraph is on cultural shock and brain drain while the example is on foreign work experience. It doesn’t seem to be an example on disadvantage – brain drain/ culture shock. For example, a 2015-16 survey by the Canadian government revealed that more than 90 percent of students suffer from cultural shock and more than 50 percent of these students suffer from at least a temporary depression.)

To conclude, in this fast rapidly growing world, more and more opportunities will open for a student to pursue a foreign degree. It is an undeniable fact that a foreign degree will enable the students (studentS match with the pronoun them) to get international and multicultural exposure and help them to secure a high profile job. However, the government should take initiatives to prevent culture shock and Brain Drain.

Bands = 6.5. Need a few improvements, particularly the way you write examples. Introduction and conclusion are well-written.

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