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IELTS Essay Correction: Share as much Information as Possible.

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Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business and academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words only.

Answer:

It is true that There is an ongoing debate regarding whether significant information should be shared freely in several areas such as science, business and academic world. Although there are some drawbacks related to free access to all kind of information, in my opinion, it needs to be shared. (mention the reasons supporting both views.)

On the one hand, there might be some are several negative consequences of freely shared sharing information (avoid using past tense. might = past form of may). Firstly, it might may be used for non-beneficial malevolent purposes such as …….. (Several things to note. 1. repetition of the word might in the same stem. 2. Do not use past tense while explaining an idea. 3. The idea is not well-explained. Do not leave any idea unexplained. Otherwise, you may lose bands.). To illustrate with an example For example, valuable personal information related to data protection should not be available for all, (no comma here) because this important (sensitive) data might can (word repetition – might. Do not use past form of the auxiliary verb) be used against major companies and government by hackers or other criminals. Also, it is argued by some that data related to information technology should have limited access, in order to protect confidentiality.

Note: You tend to overuse certain words such as MAY (not the past form might). Explain the idea in detail before writing an example. Let me write a paragraph based on your ideas. Moreover, there is no significance of FIRST if there is no SECOND.

Please read carefully and discuss with me:

On the one hand, there are several negative consequences of freely sharing information in business and research (opening sentence). Several studies have proved that sharing personal data openly in business may lead to malevolent purposes such as violation of patents and copyrights (mention the idea and explain it). For instance, a study by the World Trade Organisation in 2016 revealed that the largest companies prefer keeping most of the client and research information secret out of the fear that a competitor may use the information to gain market dominance (an example of the idea with data and facts).

On the other hand, some strongly believe that sharing important information freely might may help business develop, research, improve and success succeed (parallelism violation – develop, research, improve are verbs while success is a noun.) in the academic world. Firstly, in universities, it is crucial to publish articles in order to share the information (I guess you wrote it in reverse order. it is crucial to share information to publish an article), for example, (this is not an example) if universities conduct their researches locally without sharing it, they might end up struggling with a problem which has already been solved. This situation may lead to lose the loss of time and develop (develop what?) slower than expected. To develop a new technology, information should be shared freely, so that this the (the is the right word to connect the two technology) technology can improve faster and entire society might benefits. Secondly, people might inspire from the data published and come up with new ideas, which can help improve in their (whose business? People? or Publishers? A pronoun must clearly refer to a noun.) business.

(While you have explained the first point, the second point is left unexplained. This may harm you in the exam.)

To sum up, there are pros and cons of sharing valuable information, but benefits weigh higher than negative consequences. (The conclusion is too small. Write more.)

In conclusion, though there are several disadvantages of sharing information openly in business, research and academics, the benefits are much greater. Sharing information helps the research process and enables human civilization to evolve (move forward) at a rapid pace. (paraphrase the ideas expressed earlier.)

Bands = 6.0. A lot of improvements needed. Please work on the issues mentioned above and discuss with me.

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