Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Share As Much Information As Possible – 1.

information share IELTS

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Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business and academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words only.

Answer:

Information and knowledge, produced from many significant researchers in science , business and academy(need a comma here. The clause “produced ……. academy” is a modifier and should be between two commas. Discuss with me, if needed.) is are of paramount of importance (paramount is an adjective that should directly link with a noun – importance) to our society in the twenty-first century. Although it is believed that massive exchange of information should be promoted in every opportunity in these aforementioned fields, some would argue that a certain amount of data should be secured instead of sharing free of charge. (Please note: the word freely in the question statement does not mean free of charges but openly so that it is accessible to all.) Please MENTION the benefits and drawbacks in the introduction. Then EXPLAIN in the body paragraphs. Try re-writing the introduction and send me again.

There are many (several a better word) advantages of sharing information (such as exemplifies the word it is linked to. in your sentence it exemplifies information, not advantages) such as expanding knowledge, taking into account different views and perspectives on specific topics. Sharing information has several advantages such as ……

It is known that exchanging the data between different professions will lead(let us maintain the Present Tense) to an enormous accumulation of knowledge on a specific research area. Likewise, there will be is a chance of having different outlooks from the different departments which will foster(Fosters somehow doesn’t fit here. Foster = encourage, promote) the benefits on behalf of the society. For instance, the first publication made on fetal cells invention in pregnant’s a pregnant woman’s blood led to a huge advancement in the academy as well as a business due to financial aspects of this exploration. Moreover, this marvellous investigation opened a new door to many new studies in oncology, which the expenditures were diverted to as a consequence of greater profits.

Having said these, there are also some drawbacks of sharing very important data datas (plural of data is data, not datas) without any charge such as losing motivation of researchers which may risk the future of research, intrusion to confidentiality and devaluation of data gathering. Despite these advantages, sharing information freely on various platforms has several disadvantages such as …………

In the advantages-disadvantages essay, when you shift from Advantages to Disadvantages, prefer “despite these advantages”. SUCH AS gives examples of the word to which it is attached. In your essay, it exemplifies “without any charge.” It should however exemplify disadvantages. I’ve changed the sentence structure above to explain this.

Several research companies are solely based on the profitable income of these valuable investigations (The idea expressed in this sentence is not linked to the idea expressed in the first sentence.). For example, 20 percent of the staff that research companies employ will be forced to lose their jobs because of the 10 percent increase in freely shared information. For instance, a recent (data/ facts) survey (data/ facts) has revealed that if sharing information openly is increased by 10 percent, more than 20 percent staff in research companies will lose jobs. (Note the usage of IF….., THEN ….. clause. Discuss with me, if needed.)

In conclusion, I believe that sharing the maximum amount of knowledge in major fields like such as science and business (ranging from science to business) to benefit greater than ever outweighs the drawbacks such as the possible risk of discontinuation of research.

Like = similar; such as = example.

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