IELTS Essay Correction: Children Make Their Own Choices.

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Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters (such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

It is believed by some Some people believe (Prefer active voice) that letting children decide on daily issues can result in self-centred adults in the future.  Although there may be several negative consequences resulting from this, I strongly believe that we need to give children opportunities to decide on their own in order to support their development. (The introduction is well written. Good effort!)

On the one hand, there are some drawbacks as a result of over-permissive parenting style. If parents agree on all the desicions regarding social life without any restrictions, this may will (if then clause mistake) do more harm than good (this sentence does not express any new idea. the first and the second senntence are the same.). Firstly, these desicions may not be the best options for the child (this sentence is not an explanation of your idea.). For example, if youngsters would have had chance to select the food that they will eat, most probably they would pick fast food constantly (wrong implementation of if …., then …… clause. IF + past tense, then + would. here “had” is not past perfect, but simple past. Discuss with me in greater detail, if needed.), which is not a wise option considering being healthy the adverse effect on human heart/ health. Secondly, more importantly, young people who achieves achieve (subject-verb disagreement) whatever they want to have without limitations may end up being selfish, spoiled adults who are not able to benefit society or even their own family.

Explaining the idea in two sentences before writing an example: On the one hand, if parents agree on all decisions their children make without any restrictions, they will do more harm than good (sentence 1 – state the idea). Research has proved that since children have limited capacity to process information, they can not understand the benefits and drawbacks of various goods and services (sentence 2 – explain the idea). For instance, ……

On the other hand, children should be allowed to make their own desicions with some limitations. A great delicate (a balance can’t be great. It can be subtle or delicate) balance should be built up maintained while raising children. For instance (keep only one example – to illustrate – written below. Moreover, this is not an example but a statement explaining the idea.), if they are raised over-reliant to on their parents, as an adult this may cause problems when they need to decide on their own. (The example is not about the idea mentioned in the sentence above. While the sentence is on ‘they can’t decide on their own’, the example is on ‘choices’.) To illustrate, if a child is going to make a desicion about social activities, he or she should be offered several choices. They (who is they? A child = singular, can’t use a plural pronoun.) cannot be allowed to select going to the cinema, also they need to feed the dog, visit the grandparents or help gardening. They should be thought taught to make their own choices and at the same time to be responsible individuals.

To illustrate,  a psychology study in Harvard University in the 1990s revealed that those children who do not make any decisions and are completely reliant on their parents for all choices become bad professionals and administrators. 

To sum up, although there are several drawbacks of letting youngsters choose, in my opinion children they (using this pronoun as referencing word builds cohesion) should be allowed to make their own decisions at a certain level. (the conclusion is fine. However, you need to write more. Explain why you believe this. Conclusion, ideally, should be 50 words long.)

In conclusion, although there are several drawbacks of allowing youngsters make their own choices, I believe they should be allowed to make their own decisions. This (builds cohesion) not only lets them become more independent at a young age, but also better adults in the future who can make decisions responsibly for the family as well as society.

Discuss the conclusion with me.

Bands = 6.5. Can easily approach 7. Work on the areas mentioned above.

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