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IELTS Essay Correction: Expansion of Supermarkets, Closure of Local Business – 1.

supermarket IELTS

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Due to the development and rapid expansion of supermarkets in some countries, many small, local businesses are unable to compete, some bring about the death of local communities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Progress Rapid expansion (collocation. Moreover, progress is not same as expansion) of supermarkets has led small scaled scale businesses to strive consciously for survival (struggle for survival). Yet (when you’re using YET as a conjunction/ connector, yet = still, nevertheless, though. It is used to show contrast. You’re supporting the previous sentence, not contrasting it.), they are not able unable to match with the extravagant standards of these multi-utility stores. A rapid expansion of supermarkets has led small-scale businesses to struggle for survival since (connecting word) they are unable to match with the extravagant standards of these multi-utility stores. 

Some people I believe that this rapid growth is fatal for the local industrial groups because …..(mention reasons). I concur with the statement that they are on the verge of the extinction in the pomp and show of the mammoth sized stores and explain outcomes of this practice(Need not write this statement. Better use this space to mention the reasons supporting your opinion.)

Admittedly, big stores are getting accolades with the influence of globalization. They have become popular not only in metro cities (but also? The complete construction is not only…. , but also ……..), they have created a niche in small towns as well (become popular not only in metro cities but also in small towns). possible reason for their popularity is the easy availability of all commodities under one roof; while maintaining the quality and standard of the product, they are bound to deliver the best. Possible reasons for their popularity include easy availability of all commodities under one roof and high quality of goods that ensure customer satisfaction. (note parallelism: EASY and HIGH are adjectives. Read rules of parallelism.) Are local stores unable to compete? If yes, please mention it. This is crucial for task response.

Since all stores supermarkets (let us distinguish between local stores and supermarkets) are fully air-conditioned with world-class interior, people spend their leisure time where they get variety of other activities such as ‘Games alley’ and ‘Dining area’ (can’t see local stores/ businesses and extinction of local communities. Loss of context. Task Response.). In addition, all the international brands(need a comma here to create a modifier. Please go through THIS ARTICLE to understand its usage.) which target middle income group, (no comma here) with the help of promotional team, launch attractive schemes such as ‘sale’ and ‘lucky draw’ to  tempt clients for savings or free gifts. Walmart, for instance, has emerged as the biggest supermarket in America which renders all the requirements of a daily commodity in at reasonable prices. (Lost essay context at a few places.)

On the contrary, all these business strategies are unapproachable to small industries because of fewer resources and lesser awareness of about changing interests of people as compared to supermarkets. However, how hard they try, they fail to match with the standards of big giants. It should also be taken into account that Since investment in small-scale merchandising is less, therefore expanding the work becomes challenging. Sometimes indolent attitude from the state governments is too poor to aid in recovery. (Need to merge points of this body paragraph with those of earlier ones to create proper context.)

Either they (Who are they?) don’t do not support with monetary help or neglect workmanship of the laborers (Why are you mentioning laborers? No context.). Similarly, when in-house products don’t do not get promotions, they disappear from the market or end up in compromising with the low sale which drastically effects the industry. Hence, it is a woven structure (What does this mean?) that is getting damaged with the emergence of big industries.

Let me try to re-write your paragraph: Lack of government support coupled with stiff competition from global stores leads to closing down of local companies. Consequently (Connecting word), small vendors go out of business and natives, who are employed in these companies (modifier), lose livelihood. State an EXAMPLE.

To conclude, although the fast developing trend of supermarkets is excellent for consumerism, however (correct construction: although X, Y), I strongly feel that local businesses should be protected as they contribute in raising the economy of the cities and become providing a source of livelihood for their citizens. (parallelism issue: discuss with me.)

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