IELTS Essay Correction: Social Media Vs Personal Conversation.

friends social media IELTS PTE

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Nowadays the use of social media such as Facebook, Twitter and so on is becoming more popular than one-on-one conversations in person. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? Give your opinion and examples from your own experience.

40 minutes, 250 words only.

Please go through the sample answer HERE.

Answer:

Social media has become one of the most popular trends of today’s world, (no comma here) as majority of people prefer using Facebook, Twitter and Whatsapp over one-on-one conversations. The advantages of these are that data can be shared easily and people can stay connected with friends and family staying abroad. There are also a few disadvantages to this such as lacking personal interactions and becoming a trap to cyber crimes. (few = little/ small number; a few = enough, not too small.) The introduction is well-written.

Social media have has made it much easier to share data such as photos, videos and documents, for no charge. People can now communicate by sending (What is data used for? Communication/ conversation – our essay topic. This creates context. Task response.) any amount of data to any number of members at only one click. In addition to this, it has helped helps (Prever Simple Present among all types of Present tenses.) individuals to overcome the barriers of different countries and stay connected with distant friends and family. For example, a survey conducted in 2014 by a team of IT analysts shows that social media has increased the sharing of data information from 25 percent to 80 percent (if you mention two numbers, you need to give a time frame during which the change took place) during the past decade. This has fostered communication among people. (maintain context) The example is well created. Just maintain context. Well-done.

Despite of these advantages, there are still a few disadvantages of social media. Constant communication through these platforms, (no comma here) have has made people lose interest in meeting others personally and expanding their real life social circle. Social media has made people dependent on it for communication (this is not an explanation of the opening sentence. Let me write an explaining sentence.). This often creates a communication barrier between youngsters, who use social media for communication, and senior citizens, who prefer personal coversation. In addition to this, there are numerous crimes into which young and naive individuals get trapped. It has become easier for strangers to approach people, get their information through social media and use against them. (Okay, I do not see conversation or communication in this idea. Lost context. You have to mention the disadvantages in comparison to one-on-one conversation.) For example, CNN, a news channel, has reported an increase in criminal cases, from 35 percent in 2002 to 68 percent in 2008, based on social networking sites. (context issues.)

In conclusion, although there are a few disadvantages, social media will continue to gain popularity and in future, people will depend more on it for communication purposes.  (This sentence is well-written. However, the conclusion demands one more sentence.) Websites such as Twitter and Facebook will continue to shape the human conversations and make them smoother and more efficient.

Bands = 6.5. Just need to maintain context and you’ll reach 7.0. Little grammar mistakes. Please note the punctuation mistakes (comma) – do not use a comma unnecessarily. It is used only if there is a temporary break in your sentence. It breaks continuity. 

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