IELTS Essay Correction: Modern Technology Breaks Down Relationships and Communication.

communication technology IELTS PTE

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It is common nowadays each member of a family to have his own piece of modern technology. Some people think that this will lead to breakdown in family relationships and communication. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

In this age of materialistic inclination and technology, every aspects of human life, including family and personal relations, depends on modern technology and gadgets, no exception to family life and relationship (please follow the logical structure of a sentence.). As such, many people believe that the overuse of such technology can lead to imbalance in family relationship. I moderately disagree with their opinion since these technological improvements played play (Simple Present Tense) a major role among in connecting (mention the major role to make a greater impact) the family members who live apart. (Well-written!)

It is true to an extent that the extensive use of mobile phones, laptops and other electronic gadget widen the gap between parents and children. Specifically, some children spending spend most of their leisure time in surfing the internet from texting to video games (the examples are NOUNS, which surfing the internet is an ACTIVITY. Doesn’t match) , which includes playing video games and watching movies on-line, (surfing, playing, watching are activities. Match. Write this as a modifier.) and it leads to poor communication and less quality time with their parents which is detrimental to their family health. A recent research conducted among teenage students at in Vietnam (in country) showed that intimacy of children, who possessed smartphones (this can’t be between two commas – can’t be a modifier), to their parents decreased by 30% percent from those (I can see “intimacy of children”. I can’t see children.) who were without. This survey concluded that unrestricted use of modern technology can create irreversible family divide.  (The example is fine. Could have been better structured to make comparison: A recent research of teenage students in Vietnam revealed that children who possessed a smartphone had a 30 percent less intimacy with parents than those who do not.)

Despite the above mentioned opinion, I strongly (you wrote mildly in the introduction.) believe that these technological advancements have a positive impact in communication and family relationship. To explain (of course you’re explaining), if each family member has cellphone or laptops installed with latest application, they he can maintain a healthy relationship each others by making (parallelism – making and sharing are parallel – both verbs) frequent contacts and sharing their updates so conveniently (a lot of singular-plural issues). My personal example shows that availability of latest applicationsuch as Skype and IMO have made my communication smoother and better with my family members who live faraway(punctuation issue – discuss with me.) whereas 10 years ago, my father and mother had very limited options to maintain a regular family relationship and communication (singular-plural issues). Hence, such technologies have significant (significant = important) a great/ prime importance in strengthening the family relationship and communication.

In conclusion, though some argue that possession of latest technology leads to lack of communication in family, I still believe (I can’t see moderate disagreement highlighted in the introduction.) that since these technology not only improve the relationship but also facilitate communication who value each other among friends and family living away from each other.

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