Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Successful Sports Professionals Earn a Great Deal More Money.

sports ielts pte.jpg

Image courtesy: Pixabay

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Sports professionals who are victorious can get higher salaries , (no comma here) than any other jobs professionals (can’t compare sports professionals to jobs). Many argue that this is fully reasonable since sport professionals have to work hard and sacrifice their youth and many even represent own their country on international level. (sentence is already too long) while others disagree and believe that it is unjust since there are a lot many of jobs which require special attention as they contribute to the development of the country. I strongly agree that it is unjust that a sports person receives high salary despite the fact that many service oriented jobs such as teachers, soldiers, social service workers, doctors and nurses are low paid. (please discuss both views first and reserve your opinion for conclusion.)

As a result of constant media attention sports professionals have become stars and celebrities and are paid huge salaries. (too much and by now. should end the sentence here.) and They live extravagant lifestyles with luxurious houses and expensive cars. (the first two sentences devoted to explaining that sports stars have money. Use this place to EXPLAIN view 1. Jump to the EXPLANATION.) Sports persons have to work hard and has to obey strict rules and has have to sacrifice their youth (Sports persons have to work hard, obey rules and sacrifice youth ……. Parallelism. have to is automatically linked.) in practicing and they rarely spend time with families. Many even represent their country internationally in many sport events and are paid well. and It is really unjustifiable as many earn money by casting in advertisements and being brand ambassador of many sport products and are paid by manufacturers. For example, in a recent article by The Hindu revealed that the average annual income of a famous sports person is about 50 lakhs which is thrice the annual income of a government employee. (Which view is explained here? The earlier part seems to explain that sports persons should earn more, the latter part supports the opposite. Task response.)

On the other hand, there are many other professions such as engineers, doctors, soldiers and social workers which who contribute highly towards a nation’s development but are low inadequately paid. They put most part of their life to learn important skills and to get trained to save life then use those skills to build a nation or save precious lives and they inspire young people to become responsible citizens. All of them are less paid less than sports persons (task response) and are not receiving do not receive (simple present tense) attention from government and concerned authorities. For example, a recent study done by a social service organisation revealed that  soldiers who protect and guard our country are less paid than a sportsman or actresses. (How much less?) (For example, a recent study by a social service organisation revealed that Indian soldiers earn less than 10 percent of that of an average cricketer. While one professional represents a nation, the other protects its borders.)

To conclude, (MENTION and EXPLAIN your opinion) it is unjustifiable that sports professionals are highly paid while many other jobs that help in the effective management of a country are not paid well. If government allocates more greater (word repetition: more) resources to other professions and provides them with more respect and salary, (need a comma here for if …., then ….. clause) they will provide critical and meaningful contribution to the country.

A number of issues ranging from struture of the paragraphs and inappropriate task reponse to lack of lexical resources and grammar. Bands = 6.0.

Follow this blog and like our Facebook page to learn exciting new essays. You can contact me HERE.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s