Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Unpaid Community Service Compulsory For High Schools – 2.

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Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to younger children). To what extent do you agree or disagree? 

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

It is argued whether the unpaid community service should be a compulsory or an optional content of the high school programmes. Although the benefits of community service cannot be denied, I strongly disagree that this should be mandatory since ….. (mention the reasons supporting your opinion). (well-written. Can be made better by mentioning the reasons.)

Supporters of the compulsory community service claim that youngsters are the most appropriate group of community to ensure the improvement of free community services; h . Hence the high schools are the best places for this aim. While, young pupils contribute to the community individually by working for a charity or teaching sports to younger children, they these activities (one pronoun can refer to one noun only – they and their can either refer to activities or young pupils.) also foster their personal and social development. For instance, a recent publication from the United States demonstrated that incorporating the mandatory community service to the high school curriculum significantly reduced the crime rate by 32 percent among young population in Alabama during a ten-year period (Excellent!)(Everything good, except context. The paragraph is not on you opinion.)

Therefore, not only being a good member of the society, but also reducing the crime prevalence to improve neighbourhood was also succeeded to ensure the community’s security. (Can you please re-write this sentence since I can neither understand its meaning nor its context?)

On the other hand, the students in high schools are in the most convenient time period for high quality education. They have many different subjects to study and this creates a significant pressure in terms of success (to score high grades) in their exams. Making the community service compulsory for all of them just only causes anger and violence against the society in this time period (which time? Not clear) among teenagers (you’ve mentioned this already above – them). For example, integrating the mandatory service such as teaching sports for younger kids children to improve the understanding of sharing increased the rate aggressive behaviours towards the younger pupils in a pilot study conducted in Turkey in 2002. (Please write the name of the study at the begining of the example: For example, a pilot study on community participation of teenagers in Turkey in 2002 revealed that teenagers who are compelled to teach sports to younger children tend to become more aggressive towards their family members and peer group.) Therefore, making it compulsory does not necessarily sort the problems out (which problem? The question statement is a general recommendation which is not aiming to solve any issue.), instead this situation may sometimes get worse.

In conclusion, I believe that the free community service should not be forced to on students in high schools. The government should better implement the necessary changes to make it on a voluntary activity basis, instead of the compulsoriness a compulsory job to ensure the improvement in future aspects of the community.

(X instead of Y: X and Y should be parallel. X = a voluntary activity; Y = a compulsory job.)

(Need a few improvements. Task response low.) Bands = 6.0 to 6.5.

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