Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Mature Age Employees ot Younger Employees.

employees IELTS PTE

Image Courtesy: Pixabay

Some people are convinced that the mature age employees are beneficial to a company, others think that younger employees contribute more and hence are more beneficial to a company. Discuss both views and give your opinion. 

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Please go through the SAMPLE ANSWER.

Answer:

An employee plays a pivotal role (collocation. good job!) in economic progress of any business. Some people argue that, who (Is this a question?) is the most profitable employee for a company either young or mature (Some people argue that young employees are more beneficial while (X while Y) others think mature staff is better.). In my perspective, both are equally important since experinced staff have has (staff = singular) better understanding of business and strong field contacts. on the other hand, whereas young employees are more energetic and have knowledge of latest technology and gadgets. (Both these ideas should be in the same sentence separated by a comma and whereas/ while.) Great introduction!

Firstly, mature employees are in great position, (no comma needed) since they actually understand the market rituals and tradition. Due to their immense knowledge and experience in this a particular field. They they (same sentence) can easily convince the customer. The quality qualities of listening more and speaking less make them effective employees. A recent study also reveals revealed that, the employees with immense knowledge and experience make better employee customer relationship. although their strong field contacts which they developed their stint are helpful in making in business contacts.  (What are you trying to convey here?)

In contrast, when compared with their young elder/ mature counterparts (good modifier), young employees have a zest of working hard and achieving (parallelism) their aim or target with great enthusiasm. Moreover, as compared with mature employee they are more energetic. They infuse positive vibes (vibes is informal. fervor/ excitement) in the ambience of their workplace. Furthermore, their knowledge about latest technology makes (subject-verb disagreement) them unique among others. For instance, the average age of a an employee in silicon valley in California, which comprises of world largest technological companies (modifier ends here) , is 35 years, and most of the employees are under the age of 30 years. These companies prefer younger employees because of their knowhow of latest technology and enthusiasm to work more. 

In conclusion, for a company’s development vast field experience and along with great enthusiasm and knowledge of latest gadgets are equally important. Actually, They both actually compliment (actually is an adverb. prefer using it with a verb, though it can be used with a clause as well.) each other. Additionally, exchange of views among employees are is the key to success forover all growth of for a company.

Good job. The introduction and conclusion are nicely structured and well-written. Sentence structuring is good. Just need a few improvements. Bands = 6.5 to 7.0.

Follow this blog and like our Facebook page to learn exciting new essays. You can contact me HERE.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s