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IELTS Essay Correction: The Internet is the Most Important Invention.

the internet IELTS PTE

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Some people say that the internet is the most important invention. To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement? Give your reasons and examples. 

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Please go through the structure of a similar essay: The Internet has Revolutionised the World

Answer:

For past few decades, the life of people has completely changed due to the advent of technology the internet. A faction of people thinks that the internet it is the most significant discovery ever. I completely disagree with this statement. In my perspective, there are other inventions which stongly affects the lives of people as compared to internet. These are vaccines, electricity and computer. (Your introduction is weak on cohesion. Please connect the sentences: While some people think that it is the most important discovery ever, I believe other inventions such as vaccines, electricity and computer have played equally important roles in the advancement of human civilisation.)

The first inventon, which I think is the biggest discovery of all time is vaccines. Vaccines They (referencing increases cohesion) not only cure the diseases but also control epidemics. It has They have also increased the life expectancy of people. For instance, according to World Health Organisation (WHO) report, in 1990, there were 2 million children all over the world who were affected with poliomyelitis virus. During this outbreak, millions of children were crippled. But with the help of polio vaccines, this epidemic had was completely eradicated. After the administration of vaccine, number of polio cases were abruptly decline (Isn’t this the same as the previous sentence? However, after administring polio vaccine, the number of infected cases dropped significantly and the epidemic was effectively handled.). Now after 20 years, polio has completely abolished from all over the world.  (Okay. A major task response issue needs to be addressed. You disagree with “the internet is the most important invention”. Please write on your disagreement. Why the internet is NOT the most important invention. DO NOT write on “Why vaccines are the most important invention”.)

Another most crucial invention is the electricity. Since (this since = because. However, it should refer to TIME) electricity has been discovered, it has changed the way of living (Since the invention of electricity the human lifestyle has completely transformed.). Moreover, electricity has increased the work competency. For example, earlier we used to work in day but with electricity, we can work at during night as well (Combine the sentences: Moreover, the electricity has inreased human work efficiency by enabling people to complete tasks during night as well as day.). And the third invention is computer, which influenced the life of people quite dramatically. Now, it has become the useful part of life, since this it not only decreases the work load but we can do everything with the help of computer performs various tasks (parallelism. decreases and performs are parallel) , ranging from household chores to professional work. Now, we can think about space exploration because of computer.  (The same task response issue as highlighted in body paragraph 1.)

In conclusion, vaccines, electricity and computer has have far greater impact on the commonalty human lifestyle/ civilisation as compared to the internet, but the importance of internet cannot be forgotten too. (Conclusion is not as strong as it should be. How can you NOT forget the importance of the internet. Explain it. In conclusion, though the internet has revolutionised the human communication system, it is not as important for growth of human civilisation as the vaccines and electricity. These inventions have helped humans survice life-threatening diseases and extreme temperatures. The internet, on the other hand, is only an efficiency improving tool.)

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