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IELTS Essay Correction: Shopping Online Has Increased Recently – 1.

online buying IELTS

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Shopping online has increased recently. What are the effects of this trend on the environment and what type of jobs does it create?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Nowadays, it is true that shopping online has been more become popular (more popular than whom? Correct construction: More X than Y) and has a great it greatly impacts on our lives as well as on our environment in various ways. Although there are important drawbacks of it, I believe that the benefits outweigh the disadvantages. (The question is not on benefits and disadvantages. Use this space to MENTION points to answer: “What effects …… it create?Though it adversely impacts the environment by increasing pollution due to transportation, it benefits to an economy by creating new jobs such as web-designing, home delivery, and data analytics.)

On the positive side, online shopping is of paramount importance with many advantages such as saving time and money and having the chance (choice) to buy (purchase) any item from any company. This is because, by just surfing in the Internet, one can compare all the prices of a specific item from more than 1000 stores in a few seconds without the need of going to in-store facilities. In addition, this situation may result in less prevents unnecessary transportation of items and traveling. (well-written and explained.)

Having Besides all these benefits, it also opens a new doors to new employment opportunities in websites that (are websites planning to make a tremendous profit? Please clarify and re-write this sentence. Discuss with me.) plan to make a tremendous profit in this area. Thus, especially youngsters expertized who are experts in computer skills may benefit from these opportunities, leading to a decrease in the unemployment and a fall in dissatisfaction of seeking for a job for a long time. To illustrate, Amazon Company, which stepped into online level shopping space only in 2004(modifier) has employed more than 10,000 people so far (employs more than 10000 people.).

On the negative side, the pollution in environment due to the increased air travel accompanied by the rise in customer demand is expected (is demand expected to rise or pollution expected to rise? Wrong placement.) soon in the future (…. environmental pollution is expected to rise in the future due to increase in air travel accompanied by rising in customer demand.). This condition may pose a global warming risk when especially international deliveries dependent upon online shopping increase. For instance, a recent research report published in 2012 demonstrated that CO2  carbon dioxide emission  resulting in air pollution in China has increased by 12 percent, unfortunately (For instance, a recent research report published in 2012 demonstrated that carbon dioxide emissions have increased by 12 percent during the last decade resulting in an alarming increase (collocation) of pollution in China.). Regarding the detrimental effects via air pollution (this paragraph is on detrimental effects. No need to state this. Moreover, this is not due to air pollution.), Moreover, e-shopping may also pose health risks namely such as obesity due to inactivity as well (Moreover = as well). For example, increased demand and online shopping activity correspond to higher body-mass index in the USA particularly. (For instance, a United States health department report has revealed that increasing preference for online shopping as resulted in an increase in body mass index of American youngsters.)

In conclusion, I strongly believe that the benefits of online shopping have obvious superiorities as compared to in-store shopping such as an easier life and increased employment opportunities (I believe that online shopping has numerous benefits such as a convenient shopping experience as compared to in-store shopping.), although (Write two sentences in conclusion) However there are still some drawbacks requiring new implementations to have definite solutions in terms of public health.

Comments: 1. Improve your introduction by MENTIONING points you intend to explain in the body paragraph. 2. Sentence structuring issues at a few places. Please, not that a sentence has various elements (components) similar to various parts of a human body. You can’t place arms in place of legs. There is a logical sequence. Read the sentence corrections carefully and note the mistakes. Discuss with me if needed.

With these corrections, you will score 7.0 or above.

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