IELTS Essay Correction: Shopping Online Has Increased Recently.

online buying IELTS

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Shopping online has increased recently. What are the effects of this trend on the environment and what type of jobs does it create?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

It is true that there is a significant demand for online shopping recently. Although this trend is beneficial to society by creating as/since online shopping (trend is not creating jobs. online shopping is) creates job opportunities, it has negative effects on the environment such as increasing pollution. (such as gives example of environment, not of negative effects. it negatively impacts environment by increasing pollution)

Online shopping has several detrimental effects (collocation. good job!) on environment all over the world. Firstly, items bought online require posting, and posted items these items need extra packaging. The material we use used for packaging is dangerous for the environment due to the fact that most of the time they it contains plastic, and plastic recycles extremely slowly which takes centuries to disintegrate/ degrade. (You tend to repeat words in the same sentence: posted, plastic. Please use pronouns to refer to them. The referencing will increase your cohesion score.) Secondly, in order to deliver the these (pronoun referencing to refer to items mentioned under firstly.) items companies use cars, trucks or even airplanes at times. All these vehicles that are used for transport increase CO2 carbon dioxide (do not use scientific short forms) emissions by burning fuels and contribute to global warming. Taking into consideration all these factors, online shopping contributes pollution and global warming. (Redundant line. It doesnot convey any idea. Your words limit is also complete. Please avoid this.)

Turning to job opportunities, Despite environmental impacts (need to connect the previous paragraph with the next one. A connecting device required.), online shopping is beneficial for the economy as it creates jobs for the citizens. there are several new options that became available after online shopping got into our lives. One of them is website designing, which requires creativity and major effort. Web-designers are very (very what?) nowadays, and there is an increased demand for them as the sector gets bigger with time (Rephrase + Explain: The demand for web-designers is very/extremely high today due to expansion of online-shopping. These designers create and maintain the platform for interaction of buyers and sellers.). Another new job is marketing experts for online shopping. Their job description is completely different from the people who work for stores because of extraordinary knowledge and experience required (Combine the two sentences: Online shopping has created a huge demand for marketing experts who have knowledge and experience of online customer behaviour.). A good online marketing specialist should be able to increase effectivity effectiveness of the advertisements and to predict the upcoming trends (able to – 1 and 2. No need of to with 2.). For instance, to send an advertisement e-mail for a clothing company targeted at women, a successful marketers (they = plural, need a plural noun) chooses 9 am. This is because they are aware that it is the early hour of a working day which women prefer checking their inbox.

In conclusion, shopping from the internet has pros and cons (favourable and unfavourable consequences). It is harmful to the environment as the pollution emitted during transportation of goods causes global warming. but However, it benefits the society with immense and new employment opportunities.   (The conclusion is too small. You just need to add the ideas expressed in the body paragraphs to make it a bit larger.)

A few issues: 1. Subject-verb/pronoun disagreement at a few places. 2. Use proper connecting devices to link paragraphs. 3. Use proper referencing devices (pronouns) to increase cohesion between sentences. 4. Avoid word repetitions. 5. Write a detailed conclusion. Bands = 6.5.

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