Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Violence in Video Games and Television – 1.

violence on tv and movies IELTS PTE

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Nowadays, the level of violence is increasing in video games and some television programs. What are the reasons behind this? What can be the effects and solution.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.


In today’s world, media plays an important role in shaping human behaviour, but . However, from (during) the past few years, the violence has increased in games and television at an alarming rate. I think, it is grave matter of grave concern (collocation), since it is not only alters their psychological behaviour but also makes them more aggressive. (Well-written)

Firstly, the increasing crime rate is the major reason behind this violence, which has increased many folds as compared to the past few decades, and media is trying to take advantage of this situation. Lots of media houses are making shows and games related to crime, (no comma here) because they understand that people attracts are attracted more towards negative things. This not only affects the harmony and solidarity in society but also badly affects the mind of people. (Write one more point in reasons paragraph and curtail the effects paragraph to write a balanced response.)

Secondly, (Do not mix reasons and effects) watching violence, bloodshed and assault on television screens and games, deeply influences the tender minds of children. It makes them more aggressive and hostile, and, consequently, (You can use consequently to link two separate sentences. However, it can’t be used to link two clauses of the same sentence.) their behavior towards peer group and parents becomes extreme. It also changes their normal function of life, such as playing sports, doing school work or helping a friend (parallelism issues). Moreover, children are easily influenced by violence on television and video games, (This is same as the opening sentence of this paragraph) it makes them believe that violence is not a bad thing and it is easily acceptable by in the society, and this often makes them more vulnerable towards illegal activities. Further, these types of habits forces the child to do more heinous crimes, (no comma) such as roobery, murder, rape and abduction. (Effects discussed in detail. Good job!)

Finally, to protect the children from this violence, parents need to monitor their child’s strictly,what their child watch. Additionally, it is the duty of government to ensure that the programs or games, which has have violent content should not be broadcast. Furthermore, broadcasting committee and censor board should not allow these types of contents on television and should make strict laws against people who encourages violence on media platform. (Try including solution in your conclusion. Otherwise you may end up writing more than 350 words and this may consume more than 50 mins during the exam.)

In conclusion, increasing violence on television and games, (no comma) deeply affects the psychology of a person, specially children because they are more easily influenced by television. Moreover, since children are the future of a country, so for the sake of our future, it is the liability of every individual as well as government to protect them from the adverse effects of violence.

Major issues: 1. Lot of subject-verb disagreements. 2. Do not repeat ideas/ sentences. 3. Punctuation marks issues. Bands = 6.5 to 7.0.

Ask any doubts in the comments box below.

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