IELTS Essay Correction: Consequences of Improved Medical Care.

health and preventive care IELTS PTE.jpg

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of the development outweigh the disadvantage.

40 minutes, 150 words at least.

Answer:

Medical advancement has led to an increased life span. I tend to believe that this development is more of the disadvantageous because it is creating an imbalance (in what? Mention in a manner that helps reader comprehend the idea you wish to discuss in the body paragraphs.)Medical advancements have led to not only curing of previously uncurable diseases but also saving lives during emergencies. This has enable people to live longer resulting in several disadvantages ranging from environmental imbalances to burden on economic systems. 

It is true that Though the advanced medical facilities have increased life expectancy of an individual, it is a they have several drawbacks, nonetheless. Firstly, despite having an immense experience, a senior citizen can not contribute in the economical progress of the a country. To elaborate, a 21st century world is fast and progressive where dynamic energies youthful dynamism and energy are required to meet the standards of the technological inventions. Since, people above sixty lack these traits (link with the ideas mentioned in the previous sentence) and are not well versed with these advancements, they tend to fail in creating a working at the pace with the current generation. A recent survey said (claimed/ revealed) that 80 percent of senior citizens are not neither familiar with the mobile phone functions nor ready to learn them (connects with energy and dynamism idea).

Secondly, elderly people generally depend on their families; sometimes they get abandoned from them. In that case the state governments bear their living cost which prove as a financial burden on the economy. Moreover, elderly people generally depend on their families and government support for survival. This results in economic burden on country as well as on working members of the family. Countries such as Sweden and Denmark have implacable (Implacable: Something that can’t be pacified or appeased. Wrong word usage.) welfare plans for their senior citizens, . However, taxation policies taxes in these nations are extremely high (policies are not high) which can not be possible in the developing countries where 60 percent of the population lives under the poverty line (Are you implying that Sweden and Denmark can afford this? Even developed countries such as Sweden and Denmark, which impose heavy taxes to provide numerous welfare schemes for the elderly, are facing economic crunch/ woes these days. The situation is more difficult/ precarious for developing countries where more than 60 percent of population lives below poverty line.).

Last but not the least, world population has reached nearly to 7.6 billion. In addition, in counties such as China and India, (a comma needed) where population rate is already a concern, an increasing life span of the individuals can be a threat. It will not only put a toll on the land but also reduce (put pressure on) the natural resources.

To recapitulate, since the world population is increasing at an alarming speed, I believe, longer life span would will be an additional burden on the planet as well as its resources.

Issues: 1. Write a clear introduction that mentions the points to be discussed in the body paragraphs. 2. Always maintain context – task response. 3. Correct word usage in sentences. 4. Sentence structuring. Bands = 6.5.

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