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IELTS Essay Correction: The Best Way to Improve Public Health.

health and preventive care IELTS PTE

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

You should write at least 250 words.

Answer:

It is argued by some that the most effective method to improve health in a community is to increase the number of sport centers, and others claim that this has an insignificant impact. In my opinion, although it is beneficial to open up more sports facilities (which facilities), other measures should be taken as well.

On the one hand, new sport facilities are useful and can be motivating. This is because some people prefer to work-out indoors, which makes the places such as gym important to them. For instance, if there is just one center in a big town this may be difficult for the ones who live far away in terms of transport (a person can live far away in terms of distance and time but not transport). Additionally, some people find new centers attractive, so this may be a source of motivation to exercise. As a result, improving the infrastructure for sports increases the number of people who exercise so that it (it = infrastructure) contributes to public health. (so that = in order that)

On the other hand, putting education in at the center of a sports campaign may be more effective. This means children should be thought about the implications of doing playing sports on their health, raised as informed individuals (Is health raised as informed individuals? A modifier modifies the word it is placed next to.). By this way, even if they do not have the equipment around they will find a way to exercise such as jogging in the park or exercise at home. İn addition, healty diet, which is another important topic that should be taught at schools, is also extemely important in view of the public health, which is another subject should be emphasized at schools (the modifier modifies public health not a healthy diet). This is because health depends on more than sports, there should also be a balanced diet, less pollution and less stress in our livesThis is because physical and mental health of individuals depends not only on sports but also on a balanced diet, fresh air and a stress-free lifestyle.

To conclude, I believe that (Explain your opinion in 2 to 3 sentences in the conclusion of a “Discuss both views and state your opinion” essay.) besides providing people with new sports centers, governments should ensure a good education in order the solve the problem at its roots. This is the only (how can this be the only way when you are suggesting both approaches?) way to maintain a healthy society. A combination of various approaches is necessary to create a mentally and physically healthy society.

Wee-written. Structure of the essay, paragraphs and sentences is satisfactory. A few grammar mistakes. Need to learn MODIFIER usage. Introduction and conclusion are fine. A few L.R issues. Bands = 6.5 to 7.0.

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