Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Consequences of Improved Medical Care – 1.

health and preventive care IELTS PTE

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

You should write at least 250 words.

Answer:

It is argued that the most effective method in order to foster (of fostering) public health is to increase the number of sports facilities. Although, it is undeniable that rise in the quantity number of sport facilities plays a crucial role in public health enhancement, I strongly believe that it is not the best and unique way.

On one hand, there are substantial arguments in favour of increased sports centres regarding the health status of a community. While doing playing sports contributes to individual personal improvement, not only it reduces the health problems in public generally but also it (it not only reduces but also benefits; not only it reduces but also it benefits) benefits the society by preventing the extra expenditure due related to the treatment of major progressive diseases (the sentence is already too long. Need not write more) which could be prevented by simple measures only. Thus, money saved by these basic precautions would can be diverted to for the advancement of public health by other simple yet/ and effective methods such as increased availability of vaccines or developing the infrastructure of the city to prevent epidemic diseases.

On the other hand, there are several convincing arguments that monetary side of building new facilities for sports does not provide the beneficial implications that are gained by other methods such as education. Instead of building more sports centres, this these financial share would resources can be used for teaching activities of to pupils for the future prospects of the enhanced community health (enhanced community health can’t have future prospects. …. teaching activities to pupils for enhancing comunity health.)  Moreover, the cost of these projects will be less is (this is not a proposal that neccessitates the use of future tense. This is going on right now.) less as compared to those that of a sport facility that has an which has an average cost of a million pounds. In addition to this, the quality is by far more significant than the quantity number of these centres (Perhaps you missed something here. The idea is not clear.). For instance, a recent data published in the USA in 2012 demonstrated that giving a 45-minute- lesson for one semester on public health in high schools reduced the monetary money paid to for treatment of preventable diseases by whooping 23 percent.

In conclusion, despite the fact that increased count of new sports facilities attributes (attribute = caused by) improves to the public health, other measures such as education should be implemented as a priority by the authorities to tackle the health problems and appreciably/ drastically reduce the unnecessary costs of medical care (costs do not have an identity of their own. must be cost of ……). more efficiently.

A few grammar and lexical resource issues. Try improving them and you’re fit for 7+. Cohesion and task response are fine. Bands = 6.5 to 7.0.

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